Monday, April 10, 2006
ethics of friendship
I have decided that I'm not going to fight to be a friend. I have a few people in my life that have dropped out, just more or less gone away and I have called them and emailed to them but nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I fee like I'm begging them to let me be their friend and even that is rejected.
One particular 'gentleman' useto be a huge part of my life. Not my physical life since he is overseas but we would email all the time and talk on the phone for hours and sent him cookies and presents. And for months things were good, very good. And then he was transfered and nothing..... I guess now he doesn't need me anymore. But fuck I miss him. I miss him everyday. But I can't fight to be in his life, I'll just lose. I already have lost.
I was asked again a few days ago why I am single. I don't know. I am sweet and nice. I smile and hug. I'm not fat but my body isn't perfect too. I just don't know. I don't think I'm overly demanding but maybe I am. Once when I was being dumped/rejected I was told that I'm "too nice" and that was a turn off for him. He felt that he was smothered with nice and sweet and helpful and he didn't like that. All I could say was "Sorry, thats me". [The guy was a jackass and I wasn't really interested in anything more then a friendship anyway] Don't get me wrong, I can be mean and I have a vengeful side to me. But I am genuine and real and I have so much love to give. And sex, I want the sex too!
So as much as I don't want these people who I care about and miss to drop out of my life I don't know what else to do. Like I said, I can't fight to be a friend...its a losing battle. And I want to give up but I don't know whatelse to do. They know how I feel and what I want and I guess that will just have to be the end.
My favorite line from the whole show of BeverlyHills 90210 was Kelly saying to Brandon and Dylan: "I love you both, I'll love you both until the day I die" and thats me. I love you, I'll love you forever. L, E
One particular 'gentleman' useto be a huge part of my life. Not my physical life since he is overseas but we would email all the time and talk on the phone for hours and sent him cookies and presents. And for months things were good, very good. And then he was transfered and nothing..... I guess now he doesn't need me anymore. But fuck I miss him. I miss him everyday. But I can't fight to be in his life, I'll just lose. I already have lost.
I was asked again a few days ago why I am single. I don't know. I am sweet and nice. I smile and hug. I'm not fat but my body isn't perfect too. I just don't know. I don't think I'm overly demanding but maybe I am. Once when I was being dumped/rejected I was told that I'm "too nice" and that was a turn off for him. He felt that he was smothered with nice and sweet and helpful and he didn't like that. All I could say was "Sorry, thats me". [The guy was a jackass and I wasn't really interested in anything more then a friendship anyway] Don't get me wrong, I can be mean and I have a vengeful side to me. But I am genuine and real and I have so much love to give. And sex, I want the sex too!
So as much as I don't want these people who I care about and miss to drop out of my life I don't know what else to do. Like I said, I can't fight to be a friend...its a losing battle. And I want to give up but I don't know whatelse to do. They know how I feel and what I want and I guess that will just have to be the end.
My favorite line from the whole show of BeverlyHills 90210 was Kelly saying to Brandon and Dylan: "I love you both, I'll love you both until the day I die" and thats me. I love you, I'll love you forever. L, E
Comments:
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You know, friendship, true friendship, is unconditional. If you have to make an effort, then its not worth it.
I loves ya, people aren't used to someone with as good intentions as you have. Maybe its the darker side of humanity - or people distrustful that if they do an internal/subconscious comparison with you, they feel like it allows them to see stuff about themselves that they'd rather not face... Just my .02
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# posted by 
: 4:03 PM
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