Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Its been awile. I have reasons.

I'm working now at the Christmas Tree Sh ops and its okay. I like being out of my house more and everyone there is really nice. But it kills my feets, knees and legs, all the standing and walking. Sunday I was crying when I was driving home I hurt so much. But I'm okay now.

School is good too. My history class is finishing up and I start my next one, part II, next week after the 4th holiday. Business Law is really hard...scares me since I am majoring in paralegal studies.

Ok.... I've been really unhappy. I feel that my heart is gone. Not broken, since it hasn't been whole in a long time but just gone. I am a giver. I am such a giver. I give all that I have and all that I am and its taken. Taken away with maybe a "thx" and thats it. I just don't understand. Why am I not good enough to do more then just talk on IM?!?!

I met a wonderful man...and he said that he could only talk with me on IM. There are reasons and I have to respect them but it still hurts. And another "friend" we went to a movie and hung out together and I had fun, I thought he did too. And I couldn't understand why he wouldn't make plans again. So I asked him...point blank "Do you want us to be friends outside of IM? Yes or no" I said yes or no because he is always 'maybe' and I fucking hate that! He said "more towards no" and then said some crap about being busy and he couldn't 'pencil' me in. Ouch. I cried. And there is another...we have been talking on IM for months and even though I can't figure him out, can't tell if he likes me as anything, I have asked if he ever wanted to meet and he said "I was wondering the same thing myself". He is also the man who complained that he never had phone calls so I said I'd call him, then he said "nah". Right out in the open he says that he is looking to meet people, that he is lonely....ME! I AM HERE! MEET ME! But no.... And another, he ignored me for 2+ weeks and now is talking to me like nothing happend, said he just "didn't have anything to say" to me. And I open my arms (heart?!) to him again. Kills me but I do it.

I am me, just me. My heart is open. I give, whay can't someone give to me? Why can't someone love me for me? L, E

Friday, June 16, 2006

conclusion my story isn't over for today:

I took Laurey out on her leash so we wouldn't have to deal with the snakes and she just loves her leash. So we walked around the front yard and behind the other building in my condo development and down the hill to the trash bin since Laurey had made a 'deposit' on the lawn and I picked it up. And yup...I fell down the hill. Not too far. Kind of caught myself on my knee and ass. And dug in my left big toe. Ouch. OUCH! Laurey was sweet to me though...she came over, wagging her tail. So we went inside and I decided to take a bath.... I have never been a bath person, something about lying in water filled with my own filth but I decided to give it a chance. I could use with the relaxation you hear comes from a bath. Well, my bathtub looks big enough but the water didn't even cover all of me and I felt stupid sitting there so I just washed my knee that was all dirty from the hill and hung out there for a few minutes then showered off since I had added some bubbles.

Now I'm in my pj's, with my face covered with the dermatoligist creams and I guess I'm ready for bed...just wish I was sleepy. L, E

the feeling for the week

All week I have been feeling so disapointed. I can't explain it any more then that. Monday wasn't too bad, I was in a good mood for the most part but Tuesday I just felt so disapointed. I don't know if its at myself, or just in general at everything. Just don't know but its not a good feeling.

So Monday was fine...had my two classes and went to sleep that night. Oh, and I had a job interview at the Christmas Tree Shops at 2 that day and it seemed to go just fine. Tuesday I was back at the Christmas Tree Shops at 1 for my 2nd interview and once again it was fine. Just they didn't seem to really care, I was pretty much just hired. They pretty much said "come and work for us and if you don't work out we'll just fire you" and so thats good...I have a job now but I kind of wish they really wanted me to work there. Anyway.... I met with my friend Nea Tues evebing abd we did our history exams together and that really helped me. I went by my parents to tell they about my job and only mom was there and she didn't seem to really care. I think she wants me working fulltime and making huge money...well thats never going to happen...and the big reason I am in school is so I can get a job and make good money...I'll never be a zillion-aire. She gave me a check for my condo fees and I said thank you over and over and she was pretty nice about it ewven if she was quite smug but I don't really care.

Wednesday I had school again and it was fine, I just felt really disapointed. I brought Laurey to my parents house before my morning class so that I would be able to walk her from their house after class. I went to Old Navy after class to return a pair of capris I had bought that didn't fit and ended up spending way too much money and I need to go back to return another pair of capris that are not cute enough to cost $30. I bought a pair of capris and a couple of golf shirts, collared shirts, to wear to my new job. We can wear t-shirt and stuff but I'd like to have some a little nicer shirts to wear and they are comfy. So when I dropped off Laurey at my parents and I talked with my dad for a sec and I told him that he needs to buy me new sneakers for my new job because that is what they want us to wear (and thats the truth) and he said okay. I found out my mom was pissed that I start work on Sunday (this Sunday) because she wanted me to go down to her camp that day for Father's Day but I can't since I have work and I couldn't afford the gas anyway. So we are going to go out to dinner that dad is fine with me not going down there, he wants to come back to Burlington early anyway.

Thursday I really didn't do much. I lay in the sunshine for about 45 minutes in the morning, was back inside just after 11 and I got a little pink but not red or burnt so thats good. I'd like to get some color, especially on my legs but I don't want to burn and I think the sunshine is good for me. Laurey loves lying outside too. In the afternoon when I went to put Laurey out on her line I noticed we have snakes living on my deck and I don't like snakes! I'm not deathly scared of them but I really don't like them.... I emailed to my property manager but of course didn't hear back from her...I don't really know what to do about the snakes. I think they went to come inside since one of them keep hanging out on my screened door! But one of them wiggles away under the step as soon as I come out but the other one, the bigger one, just lies there and I guess thinks I can't seen him. Yuck.

I had asked my friend ZamMan if he wanted to come over Thurs evening but he just kind of ignored it and when I did talk with him on IM he said he was going to hang out with friends. So then I was walking with Laurey about an hour later and we walk around this industrial area I noticed that there was a couple of guys over next to an open bay and they were surrounding a car and well...there he was. I didn't go over and say Hi or anything. Just kept on walking and Laurey and I headed home. Decided to do some drinking.... Had 3 Labatt Blue in a can in about 45 minutes and I was feeling a little sick but I didn't throw up or anything. I think I made a few phone calls. I know Bethie called me and I was kinda non-talkative...sorry Bethie!...and I know I sent some kind of strange IM's and emails. I don't think I'm less scared when I'm drunk or that I say more then I would when I'm not drinking...but maybe I am.

So I went to bed around midnight and slept until almost 9 this morning. Didn't do much until 1:45 when I left for the dermatoligist and had a check-up. I thought/hoped she'd be cutting off some moles today but she wants to wait another 6 reason really, just thinks we don't need to "jump" on cutting up my skin more. She did give me a new cream stuff to use on my face rather then the retin A since I am really pink and hurting from it so hopefully it will be better for me...and my insurance covered it in full with no arguement, always a good thing when it goes so easily!

So now its almost 8:30 on Friday night and I am alone at my house. I made pizza for dinner and it was good and I ate some of it even though I really wasn't hungry...I never really feel hungry anymore but I keep on eating. *sigh* Alone...alone...alone...that is what I am. So I hope you have a nice weekend. I don't have anything planned for tomorrow...should do some reading for school, hopefully I will, and should walk Laurey, once again...hopefully I will. Miss you. L, E

Sunday, June 11, 2006

A weekend of phone calls, and the wrap up

I had 3 phone calls over the weekend (Friday evening through 9pm Sunday):

#1: Friday, ZamMan called me from the parking lot on his cell to tell me he was here and I needed to come and open the door for him. Nice to have him call, it was the first time, And the conversation only lasted about 1 min.

#2: Saturday, a 'gentleman' I had talked with a few times on Yahoo IM and stupidly gave my phone number to called. He had called me a few times before and we had some 'interesting' conversations. Basicly he kept asking if he could come over and give me 'oral pleasure'. I did say No, just not doing that with a complete stranger. So he called to ask if I wanted to join him a married couple he knows in some sex. Aparently he thought I would be into that. I said No. And I said he was an asshole and he should lose my number.

#3: Sunday, my favorite Canadian called me...:) This was a good phone call!! I hadn't talked with him for 2 weeks so we caught up and I made him laugh with my Saturday phone call and we chitchatted for a little over a hour. And now I am all smiley!

I did some good shopping today. Hit Old Navy and returned some stuff that didn't fit and spent $51 in total. Took home 2 pairs of jeans, 1 skirt (very short!), 1 shirt and 1 pair of capri pants. The capri's need to go back, don't fit well and I don't like them so much on me but thats ok. Just give me a reason to go back! I went by Walmart tonight and forgot to buy 2 of the 3 things I needed but I did get a new hat, it says "Viva La Bam" and I love it, $5!

Laurey and I took our walk today and we were attacked by two big poodle dogs. I kicked them and they went away but then came at us again a little while later so I kicked one of them again and smacked the other with Laurey's leash in the face and then their owner came and called them back inside. I wasn't very happy about it, those dogs have attacked us before. I probably should buy some mace to carry with me but I worry Laurey and I would get maced at the same time and that might just make it all worse. Oh well.

It's just about Monday now and I need to get some sleep and get my lazy ass to school for 9:30 Business Law class. Oh! I bought the new PEOPLE magazine with the pictures of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt and she is just beautiful! Have a nice week everyone and send me emails!! L, E

Saturday, June 10, 2006

What I do in the rain:

Rain rain go away, come again never! Well, not totally true. I do like the makes the grass and trees grow and gives me water and I love water. But I am really sick of rain. Yesterday (Friday) it had stopped raining so I leashed up Laurey and we went for our walk and about 1/2 a mile from my house it started raining, very light at first but by then time we were home we were both soaked! Not so much fun but it did feel good to walk. Poor Laurey has ear infections so I have been cleaning her ears and putting in the goopy medicine and while I'm sure the rain wasn't good for her, the exercise was.

I talked on IM all day pretty much with some friends. Ran to the grocery and made pizza for dinner with mushrooms and spinach and lots of cheese, very yummy. And I baked chocolate chip cookies. My friend ZamMan came over and played with Laurey and we watched a movie and TV. Went to bed (alone) just after 1:30am and fell asleep pretty quick...amazing!

Woke up just after 9 and was back asleep on the sofa until noonish. So cold!! Its a high of 53 today and with my sliding door open, my house was 62 before I turned on the heat again. I took a shower and then bundled up in a sweatshirt, hat, scarf and blanket on the sofa again. Even Laurey is cold, I can tell, she's so cute. I did have the door shut for awile but Laurey was 'tooting' so I opened it again to get some fresh air in the house...needed it!!

Its been raining all day, constent and fun. I just want to curl up with someone and snuggle and watch a movie. But instead I am curled up in my blanket with my computer on my every other weekend. I had invited my friend SJ over but he didn't feel like leaving his house so I'm all alone with the doggie. We both had a nap this afternoon which probably wasn't so smart since nighttime is almost here but it helps to pass the time.

I think I'm going to do some homework tonight...might as well. That way I won't be putting it all off for tomorrow....:) I hope you are having a nice weekend! L, E

Friday, June 09, 2006

Getting along

I tried a few times yesterday to blog but I couldn't get onto the site, wouldn't load. No big deal, just kinda annoying.

Its Friday! Woohoo! Wednesday was a nice day...oh wait, no it wasn't! Tuesday night I couldn't sleep...was up until 3:30 and then the alarm started screaming at 7. Got up and ready for school even though I feelt quite sick and totally exhausted. Went by Dunkin Donuts to get a donut and some tea, I needed the help and I was so rude/mean to the lady there. That was when I realized that I was extra super grumpy. Class went pretty well and I felt better after my donut and tea so I wasn't grumpy, just exhausted. The teacher talks so fast and its really hard to understand him. After we had our break I couldn't take it, couldn't write fast enough to keep up, so I started asking him to repete himself so I could get my notes written. I don't know if it annoyed other people in the class but I don't care.

Came home and slept from 1 to 3:30 when my watch beeped me awake, I was smart enough to set it so I wouldn't sleep through walking Laurey and my history class. Laurey and I walked for about a mile, it was raining and I was so groggy. I shoke quarters out of my Tigger bank and stop for a bagel (plain toasted with butter) and I ginger ale, I wanted cream soda but they didn't have it, and got to history class. Swichi and Nea where there, they had saved me a seat right between them and I was all grumpy to them. But the food and soda helped and I was soon my sweet self again...:) Class moved right along! Teacher was on a roll and thats good because we are quite behind but we covered a lot. I got a "B-" on my last quiz, I was happy.

Drove on home after class and was relaxing on IM... where I had 'exciting chatting with a new friend' and a very enjoyable evening and night. Oh wait. That was Tuesday night too. Sorry...getting all mixed up. Almost no sleep will do that to you.

Thursday I didn't do all too much.... Slept in and then was starving hungry with no food in the house when my friend Heather called up around 2 and she came over and then we went and got food and then took her car to the dealership to have the brakes checked but they are just fine. Then she came over and we hung out for awile. Laurey and I went over to the mall/grocery around 7 and we walked around the mall and then she hung in the car while I did some grocery shopping...unemployment check had finally cleared the bank and I was totally out of food! Came home and unpacked it all away and cut up the strawberries I had bought.

Watched the movie "The Ringer" with Johnny Knoxville....very funny and totally wrong but a good laugh. Chatted around on IM for the rest of the evening/night and crawled into bed around 1 and actually fell asleep pretty quickly, within an hour or so. Didn't wake up until the phone was ringing at 10:15. Now I'm all showered and smelling pretty, hanging out on my sofa trying to decide what I should do today. Any suggestions? L, E

Tuesday, June 06, 2006


The past two days have been beautiful weather! Just beautiful. Today was a tiny bit warmer then it could have been but beautiful. I have wanted to lay out in the sunshine but my face is already dry and ouchie from the retin A and I know I'll burn not just my face but my back and I don't have anyone to help me put aloe on it.

I got a "B" on my 2nd quiz in my history class. Did I tell you I had an "A-" on my 1st one? So I'm pretty happy with all that. Started my Business Law class Mon morning and its going to be very hard. The teacher mumbles out of the right side of his mouth and doesn't write any notes on the board or spell the big words, and there are lots of big words in this class! So I'm hoping tomorrow morning will be better or else I'm going to have to talk with someone about it because I can't understand him well enouogh to take notes very well. And he talks a mile a minute with his mumble.

I met my dad, brother and Grandma at the airport this afternoon, the flew up from Florida. My mom was there also and I couldn't quite tell she was holding a grudge against me until after my G'ma and Dad left and then the claws came out. But I won't detail that, I'm not going to let her kill today like I let her kill yesterday. I spent some time talking with my G'ma in my parents livingroom and that was nice. She looked really good and pretty in her green suit. She and my dad left for Canton where her 'summer' house is, the house my dad grew up in. So he'll spend a day or two there getting her settled and seeing his brothers and old friends.

Tonight is Tuesday and I'm all alone at my house...unless you count Laurey but she's sleeping and pissy with me so she's been ignoring me all day. I'm still having my insomnia so I don't fall asleep until long after midnight/1am and then I'm drowzy all morning but then I usually perk up around 7 or so and I'm wide awake until early morning again. The screaming alarm at 7am hardly wakes me up...not a good thing. But I need to get back to my Business Law reading! I hope you are good...I miss you and love you. L, E

Monday, June 05, 2006

Evil, my mother is evil!

I had other things I was going to blog about today.... The rainy weather over the weekend, the movie I saw yesterday, Tripper and her whimpering, the Business Law class I started today. But no...this post will be about my mother and exactly how evil she is.

So she just called me. She doesn't say Hi, she says "Erin, its your mother" then she goes on to tell me that she just spent the "whole morning" unclogging the hose on the vacuum cleaner. She said it was clogged with a piece of paper and doghair. Then she even went so far as to say that I need to have more 'self-respect' to not let my house get to messy that the vacuum cleaner would be full of doghair. Then she says "Did you even go to your new class this morning?" and when I said yes she says "And how was it". I said 'fine' and then she starts going off on me but I wasn't going to listen so I said "don't call me like this again!" and I hung up.

*sigh* I don't get it. Why does she hate me so much! And I do vacuum my house, once a week or so but the vacuum she gave me for Xmas a few years ago isn't very good so it doesn't pick up all the doghair...that is the reason I borrowed her vacuum! I don't remember vacuuming up a piece of paper, thats not really something I would do since I compulsive-ly recycle I would have out the paper in the recycle bin. But I did use the vacuum to get up a lot of doghair...that is the whole reason I borrowed it!!! Maybe the paper was in there the whole time I had it. I don't know.

So tomorrow my dad flys back with my Grandma and I think we are all having dinner together. I'm sure mommie dearest will be holding a huge grudge against me that will go on for months. This won't be fun.... Wish me luck!! L, E

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Get out and on my way

Thursday I decided would be "Erin starts to find a job day!" and I went out and filled out 2 applications and turned them in and brought 3 more home and I'm going to get them back today if it stops raining or tomorrow. And I filled out a couple online too since that is what the company wants. I'm applying at places I like to shop...then I'll get a discount! Good plan, right?

And I do want to work, I would like a job...maybe 15-20 hours a week. I know I'm not going to be making any big money but a paycheck would be nice and certainly come in handy.

Tripper, my parents dog, is staying with Laurey and me this weekend. We picked her up Friday afternoon and went for a walk before coming home. Laurey and Tripper useto get a long pretty well but Trip is getting old and Laurey is all bitchy when Tripper is at our house. So all last evening Tripper whimpered really loudly for no reason and Laurey kept barking at nothing and when Tripper went over to lie on the dogbed Laurey growled and ran her off. Tripper didn't even try to get up on the bed last night but she did curl up on the dogbed I keep in there once I moved it over to where she was standing and plopped her on it.

They both woke me up around 6:30 this morning wanting to go outside and have breakfast so I feed them and then went back to sleep on the sofa. Its raining and overcast today...good day for hot chocolate, a movie and someone to snuggle up with but its just me on my sofa, snuggling under my blanket all alone.

Laurey is sleeping with her head on the track for the sliding door, snoring quite loudly. Tripper is half curled up sleeping on the tile floor of the kitchen, but she's not snoring. They are very cute and I love having my two dogs around me....:) I took a shower a little while ago and I'm thinking it might be naptime soon, haven't decided yet. I hope you are having a nice weekend!! L, E

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