Monday, October 30, 2006
I don't like mud...or memories
Memories.... I was trying to click on my blog link in my favorites folder when my finger slipped on the touchpad and I clicked on "Mr Shawn's" blog link. He is blogging again. Just reading his words made me ache for his voice in my ear again and for the illusion I had from what we talked about and had planned. I miss him. I have missed him every second of the day and night since I last talking to him when he was in Korea. But as soon as he left Korea for Germany he didn't need me anymore and dumped/ditched me as fast as he could. I think somewhere inside I knew it would happen, I just didn't want it to. He sounds the same...wanting to get laid and drinking lots of beer. I wish he missed me...still called me...still wanted me. Wanted me as his friend. I know we would never had been able to have a relationship that would have worked. I want to be married and have babies and he said over and over that he'll never get married again. I think he will but it will take an amazing woman and as much as I wish I was, I'll never be amazing.
The "Mr Shawn" theme is throughout my life. I see so much in the men I love/lust/want to be with...Swichi, ZamMan, SJ...but they just can't be the man I know is inside of them for me. But I know they will be it for some other girl. I have seen it before. I miss ZamMan too. He fills out all those lame surveys on My Space bulletins and always says he wants a girlfriend/relationship. He wants to get married and have babies. He wants EXACTLY the same as me. But he doesn't want it with me. He won't answer his phone if I call, at least he didn't the last two times I called and he didn't call me back. And he lies on his surveys. He says he hasn't had hugs and kisses in months...not true! He had them from me. I could have given him everything I am so easily and not just because I want so badly to love someone but because I could love him.
So I am alone. And I don't want to be alone. But I guess I always will be alone. L, E
Sunday, October 29, 2006
A Trip To The Grocery...or...Why I Hate Buying Condoms
Yesterday at work was a good day. I was sleepy but had a fun time joking with my customers. It was really busy but I just relaxed and went at my speedy pace and did my best. Didn't have any breaks! Breaks as in I didn't break anything. Yay me. And I took today (Sunday) off. I hadn't been scheduled but I had asked for some hours but when I was leaving I was just tired of being there and wanted a day off so I asked my assistant manager if he could do without me and he said "As much as I don't want to let you go, I'll cross you off" and I joked to him "You don't need me, I'm a horrible cashier" and he said "No, you are a great cashier and very multi-talented throughout the store". So nice of him!!:) I was flattered.
Then I hung out with my friend for the evening. I'll call him Yeti since he's quite hairy. I picked him up from his work and we went to his apartment and Home Depot and then back to his work and then to my condo and we made dinner...spaghetti and meatballs...and then I dropped him at his work since he had to go back again. We had a nice time and he loved the mouse babies! He held the teeny tiny baby for a few minutes and took pictures of it (don't know if its a boy or girl, hard to tell) and then took some video of Lola playing with her babies. They were all so cute!
And now don't yell at me but I did his laundry. I know, I know...I shouldn't have but he had so much and I wanted to help me. And I like doing laundry. So I dragged 3 bags of it to my house and I finished folding it a little while ago. When we were cooking dinner he teased me since I needed to check my recipe book and he said I should know how to make it without help. And I said - without thinking "Just because I want to be a stay at home mom doesn't mean I know how to!" I have to idea where that came from. Ok, not totally true. I would love to be a stay at home mommy and wife but that doesn't seem to be in my cards. What is that expression...If I didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all.
As usual, the time change annoyed me but I liked the extra sleep. Oh! I made a big change in my life. Are you ready for this? I took out my VCR from the stack of DVD/dish box. I hadn't used my VCR in years. It was just there since it had a clock on it and I didn't want to take the time to dig it out from the hundreds of wires and cords. But today I figuered instead of changing the time, I'd make the change and get it out of there. And its actually kinda annoying not having the clock right there but I can push a button on my clicker and the time comes up on the screen and thats just fine. I'll get useto it.
Its crazy windy here and light raining...I don't like rain. Makes me wish more then usual that I had someone to cuddle up with and watch a movie and snuggle under a blanket with. And a warm stomach to put my icy cold hands on too...:) L, E
Friday, October 27, 2006
I planted the spring bulbs I had bought at work today in my flower pot. Hopefully they will come up in the spring. I kow I packed way too many in there but I'm going with the theory that if I put a whole bunch in the ground then I have more of a chance of them blooming. Today is sunny for the first time this week and I am thinking I should take a shower and get dressed and take Laurey down to the waterfront and walk around there a little. Its not too cool outside or windy and this will be one of the last days with sunshine and not too cold to be totally bundled up and being outside. And Laurey loves it near the water and I do too. I'll let you know.... L, E
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Checkin' the colon all the way up to the appendix
He got up and kinda awake and dressed and in the wheelchair and I pushed him out and down to the main door. I had asked him if he wanted me to call mom to come and pick us up since I thought she was at home but he wanted to walk. As soon as he went through the door, he didn't stop to check if there was a car coming and almost got tagged but they were moving really slow and saw him in plenty of time. I held on to his arm the whole way home. He wasn't walking a total straight line or picking up his feet but we made it and he collapsed into a chair in the kitchen and dozed right off. Mom and I tucked him into bed and he was out right away. I left but mom said he snored for a few hours...rattling the windows he snored so loudly! I stopped by after class to check on him again and he was looking just fine. He asked me a few questions about if the doctor had come in to see him and stuff but I don't think he believed me when I told him how he had been mumbling to me that he was 'reading the paper in the livingroom during the party'...yeah, I don't know what he was thinking too, maybe it was a dream.
I talked with Bethie around noonish and we talked about my visiting her and Kargurra for my B'day and New Years! I love spending that time with them...makes my B'day so special and we always get an ice cream cake...yum! And I love them and love spending time with them. They both do so much for me, I hope I can help them some when I'm there. And we'll have a relaxed time, just hang out with their extended family and get some good meals (the yummy salad place!!!) and watch some movies. Can't wait!
I made an extra yummy dinner tonight! Oven baked cut up potatoes and hamburgers. Very good! I love cooking...just wish I had someone to cook for. I cut up lots of fresh parsley and mixed it into the burgers and put over the fries, gave them some good flavor. Mmmmmm!
Almost the weekend! L, E
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
I haven't been blogging because I don't want to have every since post be so emotional and about how sad/upset/lonely I am. And I have been all those things the past few days.
Even work hasn't been good. Saturday I got guilt about changing my available time from the front office manager...she said she wanted to have me train to work the customer service desk - and I would like to learn to do that - but since the hours I am available to work aren't what they want, they won't give me that opprotunity/promotion. Tuesday I just felt so sad being there. The 'spark' was gone. I really liked working there and I big reason was that there was no pressure, it was fun and easy. But with the guilt...its not so fun anymore. And my schedule for this week and next week aren't ideal and once again I had to have them fixed since they scheduled me for times I'm in school. Oh well. Maybe I need to look for a new job. I know every place I work will have some guilt/annoyances but I need a company that will be flexable with the hours I do have available, I will not schedule my school around work. For $8 per hour it is not worth it at all! I guess I'll just see who is hiring and what happens at Xmas Trees from now on.
My finger is better. I 'popped' it last Friday and mushed out almost all the puss and then most of the skin that was over the puss peeled off on Sunday and I think its almost back to normal. I've been using lots of antibacterial gel stuff at work and washing my hands alot and I hope that will help so I won't get any more infections.
I had my hair cut last Thursday. Had about 4 and 1/2 inches snipped off. I liked it that day but now it feels so short and I wish I hadn't had it done. I like how my hair is even again and the ends are clean and not brittle and dry. I had my eyebrows waxed too.
Lola has been taking very good care of her babies. I counted them a few days ago, she had 16 in this litter. They are so cute and cuddle-ly but I can't hold all 16 in my hand at once, too many. I cleaned the cage today and counted them 3 times to make sure they all were in the box and I wouldn't be throwing any babies away.
Its just past 6:30 and I guess I'll lie down and watch some tv and then go to bed. L, E
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
I went to the doctor today and I have paronychia
And it effin HURTS! Its my middle finger on my left hand and its all swollen and ouchie and red. I can't fully straighten the finger or make a tight fist. As you might know, I am not a good sick person. I whine and complain and want sympathy and attention...not that having any of those things would make it better. Oh well.
Friday - Sunday kicked my ass! Friday I was so busy, I stayed late at school to do some research and print so stuff out and went into work an hour late. Saturday I was so tired and didn't feel very good, was wobbly and a little ditzy. I fell asleep right when I got home and dad called and woke me up since I was suppose to be at his house to go to the hockey game with him. I went over to the hockey game - University of Vermont's home opener! I had a seat all by myself and I sat next to the former UVM hockey coach. We chatted a little but he didn't seem very interested in a comversation with me.
Sunday I managed to get my facial cleaner in my right eye in the shower and it hurt so much! I went into work with a red eye and I had to keep cleaning it all day since it was oozing with soap/cleaner...so gross! I was totally exhausted and had a hard time keeping moving but I lasted the whole 8.5 hours. Came home and was asleep within 20 minutes. Laurey woke me up at 7 to go outside again and have her dinner and I was back asleep, in bed this time not that sofa, within 30 mins. Slept until 7am Monday.
Yesterday, Monday I cleaned the whole house. I vaccuumed and mopped the kitchen and scrubbed the shower/tub and toilet and did laundry and even cleaned out my food cabinet. It was long overdue to get this cleaning done but I just don't have time on the weekends anymore with working so much and didn't make the time during the week lately.
Today I went to the doctor instead of work and then I came home and had a nice long nap. Went to the grocery tonight and now I am going to knock out some homework and get my lazy ass to bed nice and early. I hope you all had a nice weekend and don't have a booboo finger like me! L, E
Friday, October 13, 2006
Goodbye and no Hello
This week has been killer for me even though I didn't have school on Monday for Columbus Day. I guess just Wed, Thurs and Fri are killer for me. I worked Wed night 5:30-9:30 and again tonight, same hours. I don't like it when I have school and then go to work a couple of hours later. Plus, Friday traffic is killer so it takes me more then twice as long to get home from school as usual and then I don't have much time until I have to leave for work. Plus I have to work at 9 on Saturday morning. But this is my last week with these hours. I changed my availability since its hockey season and asked that I only work on Sun, Tues and Thurs, the days I don't have school.
I'm sleepy exhausted but I need to get some homework done before class at 12:30. I'm thinking I'll go into school extra early and use the computer there to do my work, that way I can't watch TV or sleep like I might if I stay home. Who am I kidding...I'll watch TV and want to sleep if I stay home! The sun is shining in the sliding door and almost blinding me and its quite annoying.
I bought my first piece of Champlain College clothing yesterday! I picked up and sweatshirt at the bookstore yesterday. I have wanted to buy one since I was accepted and they had some cute ones that were $26.95 and I picked a navy blue one with "CHAMPLAIN COLLEGE" in big white letters across the front. It was so unexpensive since its thinner sweatshirt material, not extra thick but thats fine with me, that way I can wear it when its warmer outside and in the classrooms where its not too cold, except during the summer.
Oh, my "no Hello" from the title is that I haven't talked with SJ since the whole 'just friends'. I was at work Wed night and didn't get online until 10ish and I thought I might have just missed him since he's usually on around 9:30 but then last night I was online from 8:30ish until after 10:30 but he didn't log on so I don't know what's up. Just will wait and see...!
Have a nice weekend everyone!! There is suppose to be some snow in the mountains here in VT, woohoo! L, E
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I talked with SJ and things are somewhat figuered out. He just wants us to be friends. So that explains his rejection. So once again I am not wanted as more then a friend.... Yesterday afternoon I had emailed him and then he logged into AIM and we talked so I guess he wants to still be my friend despite my crazyness. So I guess I have another just a friend now. I certainly can't say that I don't need more friends...just sad since I thought we could be so much more.
Yesterday at work the made me go outside and collect carts again. I don't really so much mind doing it except it is hard to move more then 4 carts at once and almost impossible to direct a whole line of carts. And it was chilly outside but I was still gross and sweaty. Then the big bosses were all pissy that I wouldn't stay and work late past what I was scheduled for. This is after the HR guy complained to me that a whole bunch of people called in 'sick' on Sunday.... They didn't call me, I would have gone in to work, I was just sleeping. Oh well. But they did change my schedule for me and hopefully it will be perm. I should be working only days I don't have school: Sunday, Tuesday, Saturday: and I have Friday and Saturday nights off to go to HOCKEY!
Yup! The University of Vermont hocket team is back on the ice! The homeopener is this Saturday. Should be a good season! I love hockey! And yesterday I bought Laurey a chew bone that is about 3 feet long! The knots on the ends are huge and she can't even carry it around the house easily. I think she likes it. Lola hasn't had her 2nd litter yet and she is hugly fat. I hope she has them soon before she explodes. I'll keep you updated. L, E
Monday, October 09, 2006
Another day off from the world
Today I watched more episodes of the first season of Prisonbreak, its a good show but also really lame because its just not believable at all. But Wentworth Miller is so amazing hot!! I took a shower around 1 and since I hadn't yesterday it felt extra good. Then I just relaxed more in the afternoon. I took Lucas to the pet store. I'm pretty sure Lola is going to have her next litter of babies tonight or very soon and I do NOT need him impregnating her again! And I bought some mouse food and a new hutch for them since the old one was destroyed.
When I came him my internet wasn't working. I called Verizon and spent 20 minutes with a English as a second language woman who was reading exactly from the directions what to do. And I couldn't even really understand her. But we got me online by plugging into the modem so thats a start. But she had to transfer me to more help to get the wireless working and now I have been on hold for 15+ minutes waiting for them. The music keeps repeting over and over and its really effing annoying but I don't want to hang up because if I do that and call back I'll just have to wait again. Maybe I should hang up and call again tomorrow. *sigh* I hate being on hold!
Tomorrow I have to go back to the land of the living, have work 10-3. And then I should get going on homework. Sounds like a good plan! I hope you all had a nice Columbus Day!! L, E
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Take a ride on the train
We got to the train station 30 minutes before we needed to be, an hour before it left. So we walked around and he took some pictures and I played with a cute little dog. It was cold out and we both commented on it. I was shivering. PERFECT opportunity for him to hug me or put his arm around me, anything. And what did he do...nothing. We got on the train and found seats, he sat by the window and started looking out the window. The car filled up and we took off. He was so cute and excited being on the train...makde me want to cuddle with him even more. Finally after awile I did try to cuddle with him. He had his hands in the pocket of his hoodie so I put my arm through his and he held my hand in his pocket and I leaned on his shoulder. Yeah...that didn't last long. I tried a few other times to cuddle up to him and have him at least let me, and maybe even cuddle with me but I would just hold my hand a little or let me hold his arm. I felt so rejected. We talked some with the people across the seats from us (they were double seats facing each other). We got to the turn around point in the trip and had over a hour to walk around. So we did. He kept asking me what I wanted to do and I was like "sure, whatever". I wasn't trying to be difficult...I just wanted to be with him and I didn't so much care what we did. I would have been happy sitting on a bench in the sunshine. I guess I should have said that but I didn't. He saw Subway and bought us sandwiches (he had a foot long club and I have 6 inch turkey) and sodas. Then I said I'd like to sit outside and eat so we walked back to the train station and sat on a bench.
My sandwich was good, but nothing special. Oh, at this point I should say that I had brought a big backpack full of food: chips and salsa, goldfish crackers (he had shoveled those in during the first part of the train ride) and key lime bars and rice krispie treats. He bolted down his sandwich and then went to walk around and take some pictures. I just lay on the bench and enjoyed the sunshine and warmth. He came back and we got back in board. I should also mention that he said I couldn't take a nap on the train or read the history book I had brought with me. He said I needed to pay attention to the train, ride and scenery. I know did close my eyes a little during both parts of the ride but didn't doze off but I didn't get my book out of my bag. I know I could have but I felt I would be insulting him if I did and since I already felt so rejected and insulted by him I didn't want to do that to him since I know how it feels.
On the ride back I tried again to cuddle with him and he did a little more...kinda. He put his arm across the back of the seat and I pulled it around my shoulders and held his hand. He took some pictures of me, joking ones that didn't really get my whole face or were really close up. That didn't last too long though. Then I tried to hug him, putting my arms around him. I asked him if it was okay and he said "yeah sure ok". I said "I want you to want me to hug you" and he said "I want you to answer a question with a direct answer" so I said "ok, I will". But the he just asked me questions about what exit we took from the highway to get to the train station and to get to his house....
By the end of the train ride I felt totally rejected and I was just sitting in my seat. He had his arm across the back again but I sat forward so he wouldn't be touching me accidently as the train rolled. I just didn't know what to do. The train pulled into the station and we got off it, then I took off to the bathroom right away, I had to go! I found him waiting right outside when I cam out and he went right to my jeep and took off. I had asked him if we could have a picture of us, together, taken at the station and he said ok but I guess he forgot. I drove again and he had me pull into the nearest gas station so he could use the bathroom...he was in there 10 minutes.
We got back on the interstate and he started bitching again about drivers not having their lights on in the dark or using their blinkers when they change lanes. He raised his voice at me again when I didn't use my blinker. I felt like he was yelling at me but I don't think he really ment to so I'll say "raised his voice". Finally I pulled into a parking stop and let him drive since I thought that might shut him up. Nope, not at all. Then he started complaining about my jeep...how loud it is and how hard to steer and things. I felt like everything he was saying was a personal attack on me. I know I shouldn't have because I don't think he ment them to be but I felt so rejected and alone. So I just closed my eyes and pretended to sleep, dozing off a little. After awile I looked over at the speed gauge and he was doing over 85mph. He got off at his exit and was driving crazy fast down the bumpy, curving road and it scared me! I threw up my hands over my face 3 times before I told him to slow down and he said "Why?", I said "you are scaring the shit out of me!!" [It is very hard to scare me in a car since I have done more stupid, fast driving things in all of my cars, usually faster and stupider] He didn't slow down.
He pulled up in front of his house and didn't turn off the car and jumped right out. I instantly understand he wasn't going to invite me in like he had said he would since I haven't seen his apartment yet. I felt so sad and sick and like I had been kicked in the heart/emotions. He could see I didn't feel good. He hugged me but as usual it was emotional-less and lasted about 1 second. Then he went inside so I drove off and went to pick up Laurey from my parents house and went home. I cried as soon as I pulled away from the side of the road, in front of his house.
Laurey and I got home to no messages on my machine, no emails, no nothing...just a stinky house from the mice. I watched some tv and went to bed. Its Sunday around 1:20pm. I have cleaned the kitchen, Superman's tank (my fish) and the mouse cage, counting the mice over and over to make sure I didn't throw away any babies. The mouse babies are so cute, all active and running around the cage. I found a pet store that will take them and the daddy next week. Lola is definately going to pop with more babies any day!
SJ invited me to go see the new Warren Miller movie with him in November. Before he left he said we'd "get together" before then, since its over a month away. I don't know what to do. Are we dating? Does he even like me? Why won't he take my hand or put his arms around me? Why won't he kiss me? I know I shouldn't feel so totally rejected and kicked down by him. But he did shrug me off his shoulder and arm on the train. I just don't know what to do. I can't keep on feeling like this. I become a bitch and mean and that is not at all who I want to be when I'm with him. I like him, I really do, and I think we could have a future together...but I don't see how we can get there with how things are right now.
I have today and tomorrow off from school and work. I should get ahead on my homework and studying and reading. I have started cleaning my house and thats a good start. Laurey is having a nap on the floor and I think I'll go and lie next to her and pet her chubby stummy and kiss her nose and sleep too. L, E
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Officially a blonde again
Once again its been too long since I blogged. Just busy with work and school and sleeping and playing with Laurey and enjoying the fall weather. SJ and I went and saw Jackass 2 last Saturday and it was really funny! I was actually quite impressed with the dance number in the end, some of the guys had a pretty good sense of rythum. I guess it was SJ's and my 3rd date, I don't count the first time we met as a date but maybe I should. I don't know. We hugged twice but just quick, no real touching hugs. We are going to Bellows Falls this Saturday (2+ hour drive each way) for a train ride from Bellows Falls to Rutland, over the mountains. We will be together all day...I have to go to his house at 6:30am! Laurey will be spending the day with my dad at my parents house.
OH!! SJ gave me a present. A NIKE sweatshirt. Its nice and soft and snuggly and bright yellow.
And the construction at my parents house is finally done. They had the upstairs bathroom redone and expanded. Their bedroom is smaller now but a huge new closet is at the end of the hallway. The bathroom looks nice except my mom already packed it full of nicknacks and other crap. The wallpaper my dad put up in their bedroom is a little dark for me but the floor was refinished and its glowing beautiful wood now. And as my dad says, they are improving the house so when they die and my brother and I sell it we'll get even more for it. I responded that brother would probably be buying me out of my 1/2 since he will still be living in the basement but neither parent thought it was funny.
So now I am procrastinating doing my homework before class but I can't any longer. I need to get my ass in gear! I hope you all are good. Laurey is wonderful as always and I'm doing pretty good myself!:) L, E
PS- The mouse babies opened their eyes on Monday evening/Tuesday morning and now are crawling and bouncing all around the cage. They follow Momma Lola and are always nursing. Poor Momma. And I am a little concerned that she is pregnant again since she's looking chubby again. I'll let you know!