Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Responces, Thinking, Mouse Babies, Repercussions

I thank you all who read my blog post and responded to me either here on in email. What I said was big and honest and raw and if I had just blogged it I would have been fine but I blogged it and then posted it on My Space and emailed it to a whole bunch of people. Including the 'gentlemen' I wrote about in the post. *sigh* As soon as I wrote it and then emailed it I leashed Laurey and we went out for a walk and about 10 minutes away I realized what I had done and how I shouldn't have. But I can't take it back now. Bethie called me later that day and she hadn't read it yet (I had emailed it to her too) but she read it with me and then we talked some. I felt better after writting it all but putting it in words and then blasting it to almost everyone I know in real life and in cyberspace really doesn't help in the end. After talking, and crying, to Bethie I went to class and then came home and called SJ. I realized that I didn't want to lose his friendship so I wanted to call and talk to him. He answered and we spent about 2+ hours on the phone and we both learned more about the other. I have to say I am still very confused about him and how he feels about me but he is confused too so I guess its just what it is.

I actually hadn't emailed my post to Swichi. I don't want him in my life at all anymore. I have decided not to make a small claims court case against him to get my money back. I know I should win since he owes me the money and just because he doesn't like me anymore, he still shoudl pay me back. But he's not going to. And even if I did take him to court and won, he doesn't have any money and I would then have to have his wages garnished and since he's a busboy and makes almost nothing...and he's petty enough to quit working all together just so he wouldn't have to pay me back. And I just want him out of my life. And my heart. He is out of my life and I'm closing my heart to him/his memory or at least the man I know he could have been. When Lola had her babies I didn't even want to call or email to tell him. I only have Lola and Lucas and the babies because of I got something good from him at least. I have only seen him once on campus and he ignored and walked right past me. I have heard through the grapevine that he's acting like a real pest and annoying people in his dorm. Loser.

ZamMan. I did make the mistake and email my post to him. Haven't heard anything from him since and he's still not showing online on AIM. I miss him. Or at least I miss what I would have liked to have with him. I know I can say "I guess it wasn't ment to be" and I have thought so much about what Marianimal said to me that I am treated the way I let people treat me. That is very true and something I have wrestled with for a long time. I don't always like how I am treated ut its very hard for me to know what to do since I can't make anyone do what I want to or be who I think they should be. And if I don't like how they treat me what options do I have other then to take it or cut them out of my life. I have told ZamMan that I don't like how he ignores me and never called me back but it didn't seem to matter to him that he hurt me. So I knew that if I wanted that to change then I would have to not have him in my life. Well...I have that now. And its for the best. He would never give me what I wanted from him in friendship or more and I can't force him for anything. But I still have to admit that I want to call him and talk with him. I wish he'd come over and watch a movie with me again and say stupid things to Laurey "What's that girl? Fire at the old mill?" And I wish he'd take me for a ride in his VW again and drive all crazy trying to scare me. And I wish he's get his head out of his ass and realize how amazing I am.

Change of subject: I had my 90 day review at work and recieved 2.77 out of 3 points. And where I didn't get top points my boss wasn't able to say what I was doing wrong. Personally I think they just couldn't give me 3 of 3 butu I don't know. I know I'm not a perfect employee, but I am a very good one. So I'm not worried. And I got a 40 cent raise which is pretty high considering usually they just give 25 cents after 90 days. They made me do some stocking on Tuesdays the past 2 weeks and I'm not so keen about that but its all part of the job I guess. Also I went out for 'carts' for about 20 minutes this week Tuesday but it was beautiful sunshine and cool so I didn't mind too much. But I don't look as pretty as I could in a bright orange safety vest.

Lola had her babies! The little pink, wiggling raisins were born on Monday night/ Tuesday morning last week 9/18 or 9/19. I had picked her up that night before I went to bed and she was so fat I thought she might explode! She is such a good mommy! She had her babies in the nest, under the shavings but after a day she moved them into the plastic box. They are so cute, crawling all over each other and squeeking all the time. Lucas is a good daddy too, he helps Lola and checks on the babies too. Lola is in the box feeding the babies all the time and they are growing up so fast! Today was the first time I held them in my hand. Their ears popped off their heads the other day and their tails are growing so they look mouse-ish, not just wiggling gross pink things. And their eyes should be opening soon too. They are getting the tiniest bit of white fuzzy hair! My plan is to keep Lola and 1 girl baby and either find homes for Lucas and the other 11 babies (They had a total of 12 babies, I finally counted today). I don't want to take them to the pet store since they will be sold as snake food, but I can't keep 14 mice and so far can't find anyone to take some as pets. So we'll see....

I was approved for the state health insurance so I'm okay with that for another 6 months. That is a huge relief! But my unemployment is running out so in about another month that will stop and I told my parents that they will have to help me more since I can't live on what I make at Xmas Trees. I think they'll help me more so thats good. I've been meeting Dad at the grocery on Tuesday nights and he pays for my groceries and that helps. So I get to eat more meat then hot dogs and actual real, fresh fruits and veggies. I made macaroni and cheese from scratch on Sunday night and it turned out very yummy. I've been having the leftover all week.

I keep saying to myself that I should blog but when I'm home from work I usually fall asleep and when I'm home from school I just watch tv. But don't go away, my faithful readers, I am going to work on blogging more. I'm working on me and slowing trying to figure out some of my triggers for anxiety and sadness. As much as I would like a boyfriend right now, I don't think I could deal with one...or at least have one who could deal with me. And I want someone who will treat me really well and will support me with Laurey and my schoolwork. I'd like more friends too but I want friends that will treat me like a friend and I don't want to waste my time anymore with trying to beg someone to be my friend or with people who just upset me more. That is one main reason why I don't want Swichi in my life anymore and why I haven't called ZamMan. I think that SJ and I will just be friends. I think there could be more between us but he's not trying to make anything happen and I don't want to give up on him so I want to just concentrate on a friendship with him.

Laurey is good. She's been so hyper lately but her always sweet self. We went to the dogpark today and she sniffed lots of doggie butts. I hope you have a good night! I wish I had chocolate ice cream. L, E

Monday, September 18, 2006

Am I invisible?

I have often wondered if I am invisible. Yesterday I questioned this again when I was cut in line at the 'dog day' by two bratty girls. There was a line, and I was in it and they just pushed in front of me. Was I not really there? I think I was. I guess it really didn't matter since it ment that Laurey and I had to wait another minute or two to get to the free treats but it really upset me. Then driving home I had a woman in a blue minivan try to run me off the road. Is my jeep invisible? I know Wonder Woman has an invisible jet but I'm nothing like her, no super powers at all, and I don't think my dirty black jeep is invisible.

I know I can be seen by some people. Sometimes my parents see me...until one of the other tells me its time to leave their house. I know sometimes my friends see me. At least when they want to see me they do. I don't have many friends. I am alone except for Laurey and the mice in the stinky cage and my fish in his bowl. I got the fish to try to help me with my lonelyness, didn't help. Then Swichi gave me Lola and then Lucas and soon lots of baby mice. But I know Laurey sees me, she need to go outside and for walks and her dogfood. I love Laurey and I think she loves me too in her doggy way.

I wonder who I am. I know awile ago I made a list but I still wonder who I am. What I am? For Swichi this summer I was someone to fill the void until his friends came back for school. For Mr Shawn I was a girl to talk with and lie to and to enjoy the presents and cookies and things she'd send. And then as soon as he was in Europe he didn't need me and dropped me...didn't matter that I needed him. ZamMan is amazing. I see how sweet and vunerable he is under his big words and smile. When I am with him I feel so goo, feel comfortable and comforted inside. And he says silly things that make me want to hit him and tackle him and smother him in kisses and never let him go. And he rubbs my hair and my back and I don't even have to ask, and I just want to close my eyes and have it never stop. Last Thursday I talked to him on IM for the first time in a week or so. I had called him a few times during the week but he hadn't answered his phone or called me back...he's never called me back. I asked him if we could get together, hang out, Friday night and he said "maybe". I called him when I was home from school Friday and he didn't answer, I left a voicemail and then sent him IM to his phone asking him to call me. About 30 minutes later he logged off AIM. He is never off AIM, even when he goes away he is logged in and you are IM to his phone. So I guess he's it because of me? The fucked up part is on Thurs in IM I gave him an out. I asked is his ignoring me on IM and not calling me back was a hint I was suppose to take, did he want me to go away? He said "no".

I take drugs. Did you know that? I take Yasmin for birth control, Paxil CR for help with my anxiety and depression and just last Wed my doctor added Welbutrin twice a day. We are hoping it will help with my overwhelming sadness and how I sleep all the time and have no energy. I have had depression for as long as I can remember and anxiety has been there a little but became more prominate in 1999 when I was so sad and depressed that I couldn't hold down the anxiety any longer. But I almost never have panic attacks anymore. And if I feel one coming on I can usually talk myself down. Sometimes I do react badly and come off as upset or angry or crazy when I am frazzed or confused or don't know what is going on. This part of me has created a lot of issues between me and Bethie and Kargurra and I know it has damaged our relationship quite a bit over the years. I especially feel so horrible because I gave them even more stress last summer when they were getting married and I didn't help with my issues and paranoia. I am so sorry. I love them. I envy parts of their life, not it all since exactly what they have wouldn't work for me. They have a beautiful house and nice cars and an awesome boat. And Bethie lost so much weight and looks so beautiful, I wish I could do the same.

So who am I? I am a 31 year old girl...ooops woman. I have long hair that is turning brown and getting grey in the front. I have green eyes and wear glasses that are always smudged and dirty. I am overweight and lumpy. I wear clothes from Walmart and Old Navy and the same ones over and over since I don't have a lot to choose from. All summer I wore skirts since I thought they made me look cute but also because when I walk, my chub rub make the shorts creep up and I hate that. I stretch all my t-shirt before I put them on, I hate when they cling to my rolls of fat. My very favorite t-shirt is dark blue with a Polo teddy bear on the front. I've had the shirt since 1999 and it has holes in it but I love it. Its big and baggy and comfy but I don't usually wear it out of my house except to walk Laurey.

The weekend wasn't so good. Friday night I cried and tried to talk about how I was feeling with SJ but he didn't say anything so I just logged off. Wasn't worth trying to pry anything from him. I don't know about him, I don't get him at all. As much as his cousin said he likes me I don't see that he does. I can hardly drag out of him that he likes to talk with me on IM. He never calls me or emails me and while we have plans for the first Saturday in October, he keeps asking me if I still want to go. Does he still want me to go with him? I think he has changed his mind but doesn't know how to tell me. But whatever he has decided it doesn't matter. He either can't or doesn't care to let me into his life anymore then on IM when he decided to log in and spending a very little bit of time together where he hardly touches me.

What do I do now? Fuck, I have no idea. I know posting this won't really help but I have stopped crying so maybe it is. I'm sure I'll have some comments and that is nice. I wish the people who commented on me were real life, hang out friends. Bethie is a real life friend but as much as we are friends we are so seperated by distance and how different our lives are. My Favorite Canadian calls me about once a week to check up on me but we run out of things to talk about and then we are uncomfortable. I don't see myself making too many friends at school, in my law classes people have their own lives and in my general studies classes most are on-campus kids.

School. I'll probably graduate in 2008 but most likely finish at the end of the fall semester, not the spring like my parents expect. And then what? I am not an "A" student. Just don't have the capability to be. Who will hire a 33/34 year old girl with a "C" adverage and a degree in Paralegal Studies? My parents won't help me forever. They expect me to finish this school and get a 'real' job and support myself 100% and more. Can that ever happen?

Now what do I do with this post? I'll leave it here in my blog and I think post it in My Space since I want people to know I am not invisible. I am a beautiful woman with feelings and emotions that are out and open. I almost never get angry, just get hurt and sad. I know I am pathetically desperate and that is incredable unattractive and people don't want to be around me because of it. But I am lonely. I am sad. And if you give me a chance I will calm down and relax and not be so desperate.

My future is still unclear. As I said before I have 2+ years left of school and then I hopefully a job. And then will I still be alone? Can I really accept that not only will I die alone but I will be alone until I die? No medication in the world can make the thought feel good. I'll probably live forever in my 598 square foot condo and sleep alone. No cuddles, no kisses. No one to smile at and laugh with. I have so much love to give and share with someone but the longer I am rejected and hurt them more I don't know what I have inside. I want a man who will love me. Who will come home to me and eat the dinner that I cooked. He'll help me with my studying and cuddle to sleep with me. He'll love Laurey too and walk with me even if he doesn't like walking but because I enjoy it and its important to me. We'll go to movies and dinners out, have fun and smile together. Is that too much to ask for? Yes I'd also like a diamond ring in a platinum setting and a small wedding with daisies and even a baby but I can hardly even think that since I can't believe it will ever come true. I want someone who will let me take care of them as they take care of me, through good times and sad times and with friends and alone together.

This is long and I need to end but how do I? I guess just stop typing. L, E

Friday, September 15, 2006

I might have the apnea

I went to my doctor on Wed morning and we talked about how I have been sleeping so much, especially during the day, and how I have no energy and am not being able to get myself to take care of the things I need to be. She said that I might have sleep apnea. I wasn't really happy to hear that but I guess knowing there might be a reason other then depression and/or anxiety would be a change. So she prescribed me welbutrin to take twice a day and hopefully they will help with my energy levels and then I won't be sleeping during the day. I also had blood drawn to check for the apnea how ever they can.

So I have been reading about sleep apnea and I do have some of the big symptions and it would make sense that I have it. Also I have a severly sever deviated septum (only get about 80% of the normal air flow I should in my right side of my nose) so that might be part of the problem too. I saw a ENT doctor a couple of years ago and he said that he's be happy to fix it for me but I really wasn't wanting surgery...still wouldn't want to have it but since it might really be a health factor I might be going through it. But I have to wait and see. We are going to wait about 2 months to see how the welbutrin does for me and then if I'm not awake more I'll go to the sleep clinic and get checked out. Yuck...I like sleeping in my own bed.

Wednesday night I had pizza and a nice catch-up talking session with my friend Heather. We useto work together at Reso and bonded very quickly. She's such a sweetie and very open and honest. We talked about the "men" in my life and out of my life and she, as always, had good advice for me. [Oh, and she hates Swichi too!] We both said that we need to hang out more and I am really going to work for that.

This Sunday is the annual 'Dog Day' at Shelburne Museum and I'm planning to take Laurey. Its lots of fun and we'll get to see every different kind of dog, from the tiny rat-sized to dogs bigger then me! So I'm sure we'll have fun. I did ask some friends to come with me but Evan and Alison are too busy and SJ is out of town. And I asked my dad to come with me too because I know he'd have fun but he has a party to go to at a coworkers house so I think it will just be me and Laurey again. Thats fine...just wish I had friends who wanted to do the same stuff as me...maybe someday.

I am feeling more then a little down...not exactly depressed so much as lonely and very alone. I call friends at night when I get home but no one answers or calls me back. Aparantly its because I give too much that people don't like to be around me. I come off as crazy desperate and thats unattractive. Its funny...I don't miss Swichi. But I miss the companionship. I miss having someone to spend time with and who would hug me. I was watching 'Laguna Beach' on MTV the other day and Cameron and Tessa were all cuddled up together, legs tangled up and kissing...I want that. *sigh*

I work tonight but I told SJ last night that I wasn't working, hoping he'd want to get together. He doesn't have any plans but he didn't seem to get my hints. I was able to flat out ask if he wanted to get dinner or watch a movie when he started whining that he hasn't been hanging out with his neighbor all week and he was lonely. I said that I'd like to hang out with him after his week in the evenings but he said "No, you don't have to" and I really didn't know what to say to that. His cousin told me that he's "crazy" about me but since he won't spend time with me or even call me, then I really don't see any kind of future. And I am sick of talking with him on IM when we discuss the weather and how I'm cold and I tell him what Laurey did today since he doesn't care to ask how school or work was for me...I always ask how his work was. And the ironic part is that I'm not "crazy" about him. He's nice and I have a nice time when we have been together but I'm not desperately attracted to him. I certainly don't feel that if I did become involved with him that I would be settling. But I don't want to die alone or be alone until I die and I have fun with him.... But it probably doesn't matter anyway.

So now that I have been all depressed, sad and whiney on here maybe I will get to have a better day, I sure hope so! And I hope you all have a nice day and weekend. I'm working Saturday and then hitting the library that night and again Sunday morning before Laurey and I go to the dogfest. L, E

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

9.11.01 -- Never Forget!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Taking my health into my hands

So I have realized (again) that I need to get my health back under control (again). For this point I decided that I need to get my sleep at night and cut out my naps. So last night during class break I wrote up a new schedule for myself:

7am Wake-up
8am Shower and clothes
9-10am Walk with Laurey
11am-10pm School/work/homework/tv/hang with friends
10pm Bedtime to read
11pm Lights out, sleep

On the weekend I will be up at 7am and lights out by 11pm but since usually I am at work at 9am, walking with Laurey will have to be in the afternoon/evening.

Also, I heard on the radio that exercise will help the healing process of booboo's so that is just double reason to get my ass out walking again. And I sleep much better when I have had our walks everyday, and so does Laurey.

Last night I did get into bed at 10:15 but didn't turn off my light until 11:30 since I was doing school reading. Then I was up by 7:20...dozed with the radio a little bit. I was in the shower around 8:45 and dressed by 9:30ish. Laurey and I went for our walk just after 10 and were back by 11. So I wasn't too far behind my new schedule. It will take me a little time to get into it and will have to do lots of self-ass kicking to do it.

Bethie called me for a special surprise and it was nice (as always!) to hear her voice. Now I am procrastiniting a little on schoolwork by blogging...but thats ok, right? And I'm hungry so I might have to venture out into the 'real world' to get some lunch. No big plans for my weekend...just working 7 hours each day and 4 tonight and then doing my schoolwork. Woohoo! I hope you have a nice weekend. L, E

PS- I finally did cancel my long distance phone service. Just don't need it, I'll recharge my calling card and use that. I only really signed up for the long distance so I could call Korea and since I don't have anyone there to call anymore (or Germany where he is now). I still do call long distance, including Canada, but like I said before...I'll just use my calling card.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Already feel a week behind

So I 'jumped' into school with good intentions but I feel like I'm already a week behind so I am going to have to push myself more to get my reading and assignments done. I like my classes so far, just not too impressed with my history teacher. He wants everyone in class to participate so he calls on people that don't have their hands raised. Well my hand is up quite a lot since I understand what we are talking about and want to put in my voice, but he won't call on me...says we have to give other people a chance. Yes, I agree with that if there are more hands up, but when my hand is the only in the air then I should be able to answer. Is this wrong? This is a jr/sr level class so people in there shouldn't be shy about speaking up. Anyway...I don't appreciate being ignored when people who don't want to speak or don't know what to say are called on. So I guess I'll just have to deal. All my 4 classes are pretty full, around 25-30 students, and there is an age range that makes me know I'm not the very oldest in the room (not including the teacher). But I have to admit, I am not impressed with the young, greasy skater boys that come in with their shaggy hair and make gross snotty noises all class. Oh well.

So once again my work schedule was wrong, what do you know, almost every week I have worked there my schedule has been wrong. I was the #6 cashier last week...woohoo! The people above me are all old-timers at the store and I'm quite happy with my #6. As long as I'm in the top 10 I'm happy. And it will keep me at the cash register and in everyones good graces. The weekend was insane busy there and even Tuesday when I worked 10-3 was busy. I am not looking forward to the Xmas season! Going to be very busy at the store but I guess thats good.

Oh yes, and I will never live in a condo again! I am so sick of everytime I check my email having at least 3 emails about some lame crap that the board president doesn't like or that they door locks are broken again! And with the bridge and road construction going on right outside, this place is so high maintance. In fact my whole house has been rattling all morning and its driving me nuts.

Ok...need to get my lazy ass in the shower and get to my schoolwork! I hope you are having a nice day and enjoying sunshine! Finally, today, we have sunshine in the state of VT! L, E

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Amazing customer service

I had my best compliment ever at work today from a customer! She said that I had such good customer service and smile that she gave me her card and said I should call her and she'll see if she can hook me up with a job!:) She works at a local bank. So I'm going to give her a call on Tuesday. I doubt that it would work since I have school during the days and stuff but it was very flattering and gave me a huge smile!

Friday SJ and I went to the fair and it was a fun time. We walked around for about 4 hours and looked at everything and had some food - blooming onion, Al's fries and we had our own Slush Puppies (he had blue raspberry and I had cherry) and he had fried dough with pizza sauce and cheese on it. And he bought me a huge bag of cotton candy just before we left...yum! I had fun spending time with him, he makes me laugh and we shared stories and I met some friends of his. [His friends were in the beer tent] I think he had fun too.... Oh, and I won a $1 from him since I bet him that the giant pumpkins were in the building with the sand sculpture and I was right!

Yesterday, Saturday, I picked up the house and cleaned the mouse cage and then Laurey and I went to the dogpark for a little over an hour. I filled up the little swimming pool for the dogs to splash around in and they all did, it was very cute! Then we came home and I did some reading for school and then worked 5-10:30. I was snuggled in my bed by midnight. 7am came too soon so I reset the alarm for 7:30 and made it to work for 9. Woohoo. I hope you all had a nice weekend too!!:) L, E

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