Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Talking on IM
I'm more hungover then I thought I would be since I really didn't feel very drunk last night. I slept pretty well and dozed off for an hour already this morning but that is usual. I logged into AIM and Swichi was there. Since he hasn't been online for a long time and he responded to me when I said Hi I hope he were there to talk with me. It was actually quite strange when he was saying is wrong with me. He said I am immature and I mooch off the state (unemployment) and my parents and family. Quite odd since yesterday he said I should ask my dad for money. He said I am perfectly capable to taking care of myself monetarily. That was actually very nice to hear since no one else has ever said that to me. But he said that he can't take me anymore. That hurt. I told him that I am sorry. I want us to be friends and I don't want to lose him...I don't. I value his friendship so much and he has touched my heart more then I imagined he would. But I said that I don't want to lose him but I need time away from him. I need to find me again.
That is so true. I need to find me again. The fucked up part is that I was working to find me when I met him and then I just dumped me to follow along behind him. That was my choice and it is what I always do. I have always said its 'just part of me' how I give everything I have and everything I am and then just end up alone because I'm too annoying. I just never thought giving could be annoying to people, men. But I guess it is. I was told by another friend that he doesn't come over because when he did, I would offer him drinks, popcorn, cookies and he didn't like it. I just thought I was being a good hostess, its what I was trained to do by my parents/family. But he is right, I can be too much.
So I need to find me again. And I do know where to start. I'm going to find my routine and live it. I'm going to walk Laurey and not put that off or not do it because of a friend, no matter who the friend is. Yes, I am so scared of not just dying alone, but being alone for the years and years I will be alive before I die. But if I am alone, I should at least be able to be with myself. I think walking will be a good start. And not just walking down the road from my house, we'll go to the waterfront and the dogpark and walk the nature trail. I'm going to organize all my bills and actually pay on them and get my head out from the money troubles I have put myself in. And I'm going to start eating better...no BK or pizza, lots of veggies instead.
So that is my challenge now. I think I will find me again and quickly since I know I am just benieth the surface I have put up. I will find my smile and my funny and my laugh that I haven't had around people for awile. And then people if people don't want to be around me that it is their issue, not mine. L, E
That is so true. I need to find me again. The fucked up part is that I was working to find me when I met him and then I just dumped me to follow along behind him. That was my choice and it is what I always do. I have always said its 'just part of me' how I give everything I have and everything I am and then just end up alone because I'm too annoying. I just never thought giving could be annoying to people, men. But I guess it is. I was told by another friend that he doesn't come over because when he did, I would offer him drinks, popcorn, cookies and he didn't like it. I just thought I was being a good hostess, its what I was trained to do by my parents/family. But he is right, I can be too much.
So I need to find me again. And I do know where to start. I'm going to find my routine and live it. I'm going to walk Laurey and not put that off or not do it because of a friend, no matter who the friend is. Yes, I am so scared of not just dying alone, but being alone for the years and years I will be alive before I die. But if I am alone, I should at least be able to be with myself. I think walking will be a good start. And not just walking down the road from my house, we'll go to the waterfront and the dogpark and walk the nature trail. I'm going to organize all my bills and actually pay on them and get my head out from the money troubles I have put myself in. And I'm going to start eating better...no BK or pizza, lots of veggies instead.
So that is my challenge now. I think I will find me again and quickly since I know I am just benieth the surface I have put up. I will find my smile and my funny and my laugh that I haven't had around people for awile. And then people if people don't want to be around me that it is their issue, not mine. L, E
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Sounds like a good plan Erin. But you are not mooching off the state. You paid into unemployment for years honey. Now you are getting back what they have been holding in reserve. YOU are only getting your taxes back. Switchi is an asshole and he needs to go take a long walk off a short peir.
Focus on you. Pamper yourself and be selfish. It's okay. You will be fine.
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Focus on you. Pamper yourself and be selfish. It's okay. You will be fine.
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