Monday, September 18, 2006
Am I invisible?
I have often wondered if I am invisible. Yesterday I questioned this again when I was cut in line at the 'dog day' by two bratty girls. There was a line, and I was in it and they just pushed in front of me. Was I not really there? I think I was. I guess it really didn't matter since it ment that Laurey and I had to wait another minute or two to get to the free treats but it really upset me. Then driving home I had a woman in a blue minivan try to run me off the road. Is my jeep invisible? I know Wonder Woman has an invisible jet but I'm nothing like her, no super powers at all, and I don't think my dirty black jeep is invisible.
I know I can be seen by some people. Sometimes my parents see me...until one of the other tells me its time to leave their house. I know sometimes my friends see me. At least when they want to see me they do. I don't have many friends. I am alone except for Laurey and the mice in the stinky cage and my fish in his bowl. I got the fish to try to help me with my lonelyness, didn't help. Then Swichi gave me Lola and then Lucas and soon lots of baby mice. But I know Laurey sees me, she need to go outside and for walks and her dogfood. I love Laurey and I think she loves me too in her doggy way.
I wonder who I am. I know awile ago I made a list but I still wonder who I am. What I am? For Swichi this summer I was someone to fill the void until his friends came back for school. For Mr Shawn I was a girl to talk with and lie to and to enjoy the presents and cookies and things she'd send. And then as soon as he was in Europe he didn't need me and dropped me...didn't matter that I needed him. ZamMan is amazing. I see how sweet and vunerable he is under his big words and smile. When I am with him I feel so goo, feel comfortable and comforted inside. And he says silly things that make me want to hit him and tackle him and smother him in kisses and never let him go. And he rubbs my hair and my back and I don't even have to ask, and I just want to close my eyes and have it never stop. Last Thursday I talked to him on IM for the first time in a week or so. I had called him a few times during the week but he hadn't answered his phone or called me back...he's never called me back. I asked him if we could get together, hang out, Friday night and he said "maybe". I called him when I was home from school Friday and he didn't answer, I left a voicemail and then sent him IM to his phone asking him to call me. About 30 minutes later he logged off AIM. He is never off AIM, even when he goes away he is logged in and you are IM to his phone. So I guess he's invisible...is it because of me? The fucked up part is on Thurs in IM I gave him an out. I asked is his ignoring me on IM and not calling me back was a hint I was suppose to take, did he want me to go away? He said "no".
I take drugs. Did you know that? I take Yasmin for birth control, Paxil CR for help with my anxiety and depression and just last Wed my doctor added Welbutrin twice a day. We are hoping it will help with my overwhelming sadness and how I sleep all the time and have no energy. I have had depression for as long as I can remember and anxiety has been there a little but became more prominate in 1999 when I was so sad and depressed that I couldn't hold down the anxiety any longer. But I almost never have panic attacks anymore. And if I feel one coming on I can usually talk myself down. Sometimes I do react badly and come off as upset or angry or crazy when I am frazzed or confused or don't know what is going on. This part of me has created a lot of issues between me and Bethie and Kargurra and I know it has damaged our relationship quite a bit over the years. I especially feel so horrible because I gave them even more stress last summer when they were getting married and I didn't help with my issues and paranoia. I am so sorry. I love them. I envy parts of their life, not it all since exactly what they have wouldn't work for me. They have a beautiful house and nice cars and an awesome boat. And Bethie lost so much weight and looks so beautiful, I wish I could do the same.
So who am I? I am a 31 year old girl...ooops woman. I have long hair that is turning brown and getting grey in the front. I have green eyes and wear glasses that are always smudged and dirty. I am overweight and lumpy. I wear clothes from Walmart and Old Navy and the same ones over and over since I don't have a lot to choose from. All summer I wore skirts since I thought they made me look cute but also because when I walk, my chub rub make the shorts creep up and I hate that. I stretch all my t-shirt before I put them on, I hate when they cling to my rolls of fat. My very favorite t-shirt is dark blue with a Polo teddy bear on the front. I've had the shirt since 1999 and it has holes in it but I love it. Its big and baggy and comfy but I don't usually wear it out of my house except to walk Laurey.
The weekend wasn't so good. Friday night I cried and tried to talk about how I was feeling with SJ but he didn't say anything so I just logged off. Wasn't worth trying to pry anything from him. I don't know about him, I don't get him at all. As much as his cousin said he likes me I don't see that he does. I can hardly drag out of him that he likes to talk with me on IM. He never calls me or emails me and while we have plans for the first Saturday in October, he keeps asking me if I still want to go. Does he still want me to go with him? I think he has changed his mind but doesn't know how to tell me. But whatever he has decided it doesn't matter. He either can't or doesn't care to let me into his life anymore then on IM when he decided to log in and spending a very little bit of time together where he hardly touches me.
What do I do now? Fuck, I have no idea. I know posting this won't really help but I have stopped crying so maybe it is. I'm sure I'll have some comments and that is nice. I wish the people who commented on me were real life, hang out friends. Bethie is a real life friend but as much as we are friends we are so seperated by distance and how different our lives are. My Favorite Canadian calls me about once a week to check up on me but we run out of things to talk about and then we are uncomfortable. I don't see myself making too many friends at school, in my law classes people have their own lives and in my general studies classes most are on-campus kids.
School. I'll probably graduate in 2008 but most likely finish at the end of the fall semester, not the spring like my parents expect. And then what? I am not an "A" student. Just don't have the capability to be. Who will hire a 33/34 year old girl with a "C" adverage and a degree in Paralegal Studies? My parents won't help me forever. They expect me to finish this school and get a 'real' job and support myself 100% and more. Can that ever happen?
Now what do I do with this post? I'll leave it here in my blog and I think post it in My Space since I want people to know I am not invisible. I am a beautiful woman with feelings and emotions that are out and open. I almost never get angry, just get hurt and sad. I know I am pathetically desperate and that is incredable unattractive and people don't want to be around me because of it. But I am lonely. I am sad. And if you give me a chance I will calm down and relax and not be so desperate.
My future is still unclear. As I said before I have 2+ years left of school and then I hopefully a job. And then will I still be alone? Can I really accept that not only will I die alone but I will be alone until I die? No medication in the world can make the thought feel good. I'll probably live forever in my 598 square foot condo and sleep alone. No cuddles, no kisses. No one to smile at and laugh with. I have so much love to give and share with someone but the longer I am rejected and hurt them more I don't know what I have inside. I want a man who will love me. Who will come home to me and eat the dinner that I cooked. He'll help me with my studying and cuddle to sleep with me. He'll love Laurey too and walk with me even if he doesn't like walking but because I enjoy it and its important to me. We'll go to movies and dinners out, have fun and smile together. Is that too much to ask for? Yes I'd also like a diamond ring in a platinum setting and a small wedding with daisies and even a baby but I can hardly even think that since I can't believe it will ever come true. I want someone who will let me take care of them as they take care of me, through good times and sad times and with friends and alone together.
This is long and I need to end but how do I? I guess just stop typing. L, E
I know I can be seen by some people. Sometimes my parents see me...until one of the other tells me its time to leave their house. I know sometimes my friends see me. At least when they want to see me they do. I don't have many friends. I am alone except for Laurey and the mice in the stinky cage and my fish in his bowl. I got the fish to try to help me with my lonelyness, didn't help. Then Swichi gave me Lola and then Lucas and soon lots of baby mice. But I know Laurey sees me, she need to go outside and for walks and her dogfood. I love Laurey and I think she loves me too in her doggy way.
I wonder who I am. I know awile ago I made a list but I still wonder who I am. What I am? For Swichi this summer I was someone to fill the void until his friends came back for school. For Mr Shawn I was a girl to talk with and lie to and to enjoy the presents and cookies and things she'd send. And then as soon as he was in Europe he didn't need me and dropped me...didn't matter that I needed him. ZamMan is amazing. I see how sweet and vunerable he is under his big words and smile. When I am with him I feel so goo, feel comfortable and comforted inside. And he says silly things that make me want to hit him and tackle him and smother him in kisses and never let him go. And he rubbs my hair and my back and I don't even have to ask, and I just want to close my eyes and have it never stop. Last Thursday I talked to him on IM for the first time in a week or so. I had called him a few times during the week but he hadn't answered his phone or called me back...he's never called me back. I asked him if we could get together, hang out, Friday night and he said "maybe". I called him when I was home from school Friday and he didn't answer, I left a voicemail and then sent him IM to his phone asking him to call me. About 30 minutes later he logged off AIM. He is never off AIM, even when he goes away he is logged in and you are IM to his phone. So I guess he's invisible...is it because of me? The fucked up part is on Thurs in IM I gave him an out. I asked is his ignoring me on IM and not calling me back was a hint I was suppose to take, did he want me to go away? He said "no".
I take drugs. Did you know that? I take Yasmin for birth control, Paxil CR for help with my anxiety and depression and just last Wed my doctor added Welbutrin twice a day. We are hoping it will help with my overwhelming sadness and how I sleep all the time and have no energy. I have had depression for as long as I can remember and anxiety has been there a little but became more prominate in 1999 when I was so sad and depressed that I couldn't hold down the anxiety any longer. But I almost never have panic attacks anymore. And if I feel one coming on I can usually talk myself down. Sometimes I do react badly and come off as upset or angry or crazy when I am frazzed or confused or don't know what is going on. This part of me has created a lot of issues between me and Bethie and Kargurra and I know it has damaged our relationship quite a bit over the years. I especially feel so horrible because I gave them even more stress last summer when they were getting married and I didn't help with my issues and paranoia. I am so sorry. I love them. I envy parts of their life, not it all since exactly what they have wouldn't work for me. They have a beautiful house and nice cars and an awesome boat. And Bethie lost so much weight and looks so beautiful, I wish I could do the same.
So who am I? I am a 31 year old girl...ooops woman. I have long hair that is turning brown and getting grey in the front. I have green eyes and wear glasses that are always smudged and dirty. I am overweight and lumpy. I wear clothes from Walmart and Old Navy and the same ones over and over since I don't have a lot to choose from. All summer I wore skirts since I thought they made me look cute but also because when I walk, my chub rub make the shorts creep up and I hate that. I stretch all my t-shirt before I put them on, I hate when they cling to my rolls of fat. My very favorite t-shirt is dark blue with a Polo teddy bear on the front. I've had the shirt since 1999 and it has holes in it but I love it. Its big and baggy and comfy but I don't usually wear it out of my house except to walk Laurey.
The weekend wasn't so good. Friday night I cried and tried to talk about how I was feeling with SJ but he didn't say anything so I just logged off. Wasn't worth trying to pry anything from him. I don't know about him, I don't get him at all. As much as his cousin said he likes me I don't see that he does. I can hardly drag out of him that he likes to talk with me on IM. He never calls me or emails me and while we have plans for the first Saturday in October, he keeps asking me if I still want to go. Does he still want me to go with him? I think he has changed his mind but doesn't know how to tell me. But whatever he has decided it doesn't matter. He either can't or doesn't care to let me into his life anymore then on IM when he decided to log in and spending a very little bit of time together where he hardly touches me.
What do I do now? Fuck, I have no idea. I know posting this won't really help but I have stopped crying so maybe it is. I'm sure I'll have some comments and that is nice. I wish the people who commented on me were real life, hang out friends. Bethie is a real life friend but as much as we are friends we are so seperated by distance and how different our lives are. My Favorite Canadian calls me about once a week to check up on me but we run out of things to talk about and then we are uncomfortable. I don't see myself making too many friends at school, in my law classes people have their own lives and in my general studies classes most are on-campus kids.
School. I'll probably graduate in 2008 but most likely finish at the end of the fall semester, not the spring like my parents expect. And then what? I am not an "A" student. Just don't have the capability to be. Who will hire a 33/34 year old girl with a "C" adverage and a degree in Paralegal Studies? My parents won't help me forever. They expect me to finish this school and get a 'real' job and support myself 100% and more. Can that ever happen?
Now what do I do with this post? I'll leave it here in my blog and I think post it in My Space since I want people to know I am not invisible. I am a beautiful woman with feelings and emotions that are out and open. I almost never get angry, just get hurt and sad. I know I am pathetically desperate and that is incredable unattractive and people don't want to be around me because of it. But I am lonely. I am sad. And if you give me a chance I will calm down and relax and not be so desperate.
My future is still unclear. As I said before I have 2+ years left of school and then I hopefully a job. And then will I still be alone? Can I really accept that not only will I die alone but I will be alone until I die? No medication in the world can make the thought feel good. I'll probably live forever in my 598 square foot condo and sleep alone. No cuddles, no kisses. No one to smile at and laugh with. I have so much love to give and share with someone but the longer I am rejected and hurt them more I don't know what I have inside. I want a man who will love me. Who will come home to me and eat the dinner that I cooked. He'll help me with my studying and cuddle to sleep with me. He'll love Laurey too and walk with me even if he doesn't like walking but because I enjoy it and its important to me. We'll go to movies and dinners out, have fun and smile together. Is that too much to ask for? Yes I'd also like a diamond ring in a platinum setting and a small wedding with daisies and even a baby but I can hardly even think that since I can't believe it will ever come true. I want someone who will let me take care of them as they take care of me, through good times and sad times and with friends and alone together.
This is long and I need to end but how do I? I guess just stop typing. L, E
