Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Responces, Thinking, Mouse Babies, Repercussions
I thank you all who read my blog post and responded to me either here on in email. What I said was big and honest and raw and if I had just blogged it I would have been fine but I blogged it and then posted it on My Space and emailed it to a whole bunch of people. Including the 'gentlemen' I wrote about in the post. *sigh* As soon as I wrote it and then emailed it I leashed Laurey and we went out for a walk and about 10 minutes away I realized what I had done and how I shouldn't have. But I can't take it back now. Bethie called me later that day and she hadn't read it yet (I had emailed it to her too) but she read it with me and then we talked some. I felt better after writting it all but putting it in words and then blasting it to almost everyone I know in real life and in cyberspace really doesn't help in the end. After talking, and crying, to Bethie I went to class and then came home and called SJ. I realized that I didn't want to lose his friendship so I wanted to call and talk to him. He answered and we spent about 2+ hours on the phone and we both learned more about the other. I have to say I am still very confused about him and how he feels about me but he is confused too so I guess its just what it is.
I actually hadn't emailed my post to Swichi. I don't want him in my life at all anymore. I have decided not to make a small claims court case against him to get my money back. I know I should win since he owes me the money and just because he doesn't like me anymore, he still shoudl pay me back. But he's not going to. And even if I did take him to court and won, he doesn't have any money and I would then have to have his wages garnished and since he's a busboy and makes almost nothing...and he's petty enough to quit working all together just so he wouldn't have to pay me back. And I just want him out of my life. And my heart. He is out of my life and I'm closing my heart to him/his memory or at least the man I know he could have been. When Lola had her babies I didn't even want to call or email to tell him. I only have Lola and Lucas and the babies because of him...so I got something good from him at least. I have only seen him once on campus and he ignored and walked right past me. I have heard through the grapevine that he's acting like a real pest and annoying people in his dorm. Loser.
ZamMan. I did make the mistake and email my post to him. Haven't heard anything from him since and he's still not showing online on AIM. I miss him. Or at least I miss what I would have liked to have with him. I know I can say "I guess it wasn't ment to be" and I have thought so much about what Marianimal said to me that I am treated the way I let people treat me. That is very true and something I have wrestled with for a long time. I don't always like how I am treated ut its very hard for me to know what to do since I can't make anyone do what I want to or be who I think they should be. And if I don't like how they treat me what options do I have other then to take it or cut them out of my life. I have told ZamMan that I don't like how he ignores me and never called me back but it didn't seem to matter to him that he hurt me. So I knew that if I wanted that to change then I would have to not have him in my life. Well...I have that now. And its for the best. He would never give me what I wanted from him in friendship or more and I can't force him for anything. But I still have to admit that I want to call him and talk with him. I wish he'd come over and watch a movie with me again and say stupid things to Laurey "What's that girl? Fire at the old mill?" And I wish he'd take me for a ride in his VW again and drive all crazy trying to scare me. And I wish he's get his head out of his ass and realize how amazing I am.
Change of subject: I had my 90 day review at work and recieved 2.77 out of 3 points. And where I didn't get top points my boss wasn't able to say what I was doing wrong. Personally I think they just couldn't give me 3 of 3 butu I don't know. I know I'm not a perfect employee, but I am a very good one. So I'm not worried. And I got a 40 cent raise which is pretty high considering usually they just give 25 cents after 90 days. They made me do some stocking on Tuesdays the past 2 weeks and I'm not so keen about that but its all part of the job I guess. Also I went out for 'carts' for about 20 minutes this week Tuesday but it was beautiful sunshine and cool so I didn't mind too much. But I don't look as pretty as I could in a bright orange safety vest.
Lola had her babies! The little pink, wiggling raisins were born on Monday night/ Tuesday morning last week 9/18 or 9/19. I had picked her up that night before I went to bed and she was so fat I thought she might explode! She is such a good mommy! She had her babies in the nest, under the shavings but after a day she moved them into the plastic box. They are so cute, crawling all over each other and squeeking all the time. Lucas is a good daddy too, he helps Lola and checks on the babies too. Lola is in the box feeding the babies all the time and they are growing up so fast! Today was the first time I held them in my hand. Their ears popped off their heads the other day and their tails are growing so they look mouse-ish, not just wiggling gross pink things. And their eyes should be opening soon too. They are getting the tiniest bit of white fuzzy hair! My plan is to keep Lola and 1 girl baby and either find homes for Lucas and the other 11 babies (They had a total of 12 babies, I finally counted today). I don't want to take them to the pet store since they will be sold as snake food, but I can't keep 14 mice and so far can't find anyone to take some as pets. So we'll see....
I was approved for the state health insurance so I'm okay with that for another 6 months. That is a huge relief! But my unemployment is running out so in about another month that will stop and I told my parents that they will have to help me more since I can't live on what I make at Xmas Trees. I think they'll help me more so thats good. I've been meeting Dad at the grocery on Tuesday nights and he pays for my groceries and that helps. So I get to eat more meat then hot dogs and actual real, fresh fruits and veggies. I made macaroni and cheese from scratch on Sunday night and it turned out very yummy. I've been having the leftover all week.
I keep saying to myself that I should blog but when I'm home from work I usually fall asleep and when I'm home from school I just watch tv. But don't go away, my faithful readers, I am going to work on blogging more. I'm working on me and slowing trying to figure out some of my triggers for anxiety and sadness. As much as I would like a boyfriend right now, I don't think I could deal with one...or at least have one who could deal with me. And I want someone who will treat me really well and will support me with Laurey and my schoolwork. I'd like more friends too but I want friends that will treat me like a friend and I don't want to waste my time anymore with trying to beg someone to be my friend or with people who just upset me more. That is one main reason why I don't want Swichi in my life anymore and why I haven't called ZamMan. I think that SJ and I will just be friends. I think there could be more between us but he's not trying to make anything happen and I don't want to give up on him so I want to just concentrate on a friendship with him.
Laurey is good. She's been so hyper lately but her always sweet self. We went to the dogpark today and she sniffed lots of doggie butts. I hope you have a good night! I wish I had chocolate ice cream. L, E
I actually hadn't emailed my post to Swichi. I don't want him in my life at all anymore. I have decided not to make a small claims court case against him to get my money back. I know I should win since he owes me the money and just because he doesn't like me anymore, he still shoudl pay me back. But he's not going to. And even if I did take him to court and won, he doesn't have any money and I would then have to have his wages garnished and since he's a busboy and makes almost nothing...and he's petty enough to quit working all together just so he wouldn't have to pay me back. And I just want him out of my life. And my heart. He is out of my life and I'm closing my heart to him/his memory or at least the man I know he could have been. When Lola had her babies I didn't even want to call or email to tell him. I only have Lola and Lucas and the babies because of him...so I got something good from him at least. I have only seen him once on campus and he ignored and walked right past me. I have heard through the grapevine that he's acting like a real pest and annoying people in his dorm. Loser.
ZamMan. I did make the mistake and email my post to him. Haven't heard anything from him since and he's still not showing online on AIM. I miss him. Or at least I miss what I would have liked to have with him. I know I can say "I guess it wasn't ment to be" and I have thought so much about what Marianimal said to me that I am treated the way I let people treat me. That is very true and something I have wrestled with for a long time. I don't always like how I am treated ut its very hard for me to know what to do since I can't make anyone do what I want to or be who I think they should be. And if I don't like how they treat me what options do I have other then to take it or cut them out of my life. I have told ZamMan that I don't like how he ignores me and never called me back but it didn't seem to matter to him that he hurt me. So I knew that if I wanted that to change then I would have to not have him in my life. Well...I have that now. And its for the best. He would never give me what I wanted from him in friendship or more and I can't force him for anything. But I still have to admit that I want to call him and talk with him. I wish he'd come over and watch a movie with me again and say stupid things to Laurey "What's that girl? Fire at the old mill?" And I wish he'd take me for a ride in his VW again and drive all crazy trying to scare me. And I wish he's get his head out of his ass and realize how amazing I am.
Change of subject: I had my 90 day review at work and recieved 2.77 out of 3 points. And where I didn't get top points my boss wasn't able to say what I was doing wrong. Personally I think they just couldn't give me 3 of 3 butu I don't know. I know I'm not a perfect employee, but I am a very good one. So I'm not worried. And I got a 40 cent raise which is pretty high considering usually they just give 25 cents after 90 days. They made me do some stocking on Tuesdays the past 2 weeks and I'm not so keen about that but its all part of the job I guess. Also I went out for 'carts' for about 20 minutes this week Tuesday but it was beautiful sunshine and cool so I didn't mind too much. But I don't look as pretty as I could in a bright orange safety vest.
Lola had her babies! The little pink, wiggling raisins were born on Monday night/ Tuesday morning last week 9/18 or 9/19. I had picked her up that night before I went to bed and she was so fat I thought she might explode! She is such a good mommy! She had her babies in the nest, under the shavings but after a day she moved them into the plastic box. They are so cute, crawling all over each other and squeeking all the time. Lucas is a good daddy too, he helps Lola and checks on the babies too. Lola is in the box feeding the babies all the time and they are growing up so fast! Today was the first time I held them in my hand. Their ears popped off their heads the other day and their tails are growing so they look mouse-ish, not just wiggling gross pink things. And their eyes should be opening soon too. They are getting the tiniest bit of white fuzzy hair! My plan is to keep Lola and 1 girl baby and either find homes for Lucas and the other 11 babies (They had a total of 12 babies, I finally counted today). I don't want to take them to the pet store since they will be sold as snake food, but I can't keep 14 mice and so far can't find anyone to take some as pets. So we'll see....
I was approved for the state health insurance so I'm okay with that for another 6 months. That is a huge relief! But my unemployment is running out so in about another month that will stop and I told my parents that they will have to help me more since I can't live on what I make at Xmas Trees. I think they'll help me more so thats good. I've been meeting Dad at the grocery on Tuesday nights and he pays for my groceries and that helps. So I get to eat more meat then hot dogs and actual real, fresh fruits and veggies. I made macaroni and cheese from scratch on Sunday night and it turned out very yummy. I've been having the leftover all week.
I keep saying to myself that I should blog but when I'm home from work I usually fall asleep and when I'm home from school I just watch tv. But don't go away, my faithful readers, I am going to work on blogging more. I'm working on me and slowing trying to figure out some of my triggers for anxiety and sadness. As much as I would like a boyfriend right now, I don't think I could deal with one...or at least have one who could deal with me. And I want someone who will treat me really well and will support me with Laurey and my schoolwork. I'd like more friends too but I want friends that will treat me like a friend and I don't want to waste my time anymore with trying to beg someone to be my friend or with people who just upset me more. That is one main reason why I don't want Swichi in my life anymore and why I haven't called ZamMan. I think that SJ and I will just be friends. I think there could be more between us but he's not trying to make anything happen and I don't want to give up on him so I want to just concentrate on a friendship with him.
Laurey is good. She's been so hyper lately but her always sweet self. We went to the dogpark today and she sniffed lots of doggie butts. I hope you have a good night! I wish I had chocolate ice cream. L, E
