Monday, October 30, 2006
I don't like mud...or memories
The mud almost took my left shoe today. I was walking with Laurey and we were within site of our house and I couldn't tell how muddy it was where we were walking and my shoe sunk up to my ankle in mud. Luckily my sneaker was tied on tight enough that when I pulled my foot out, it came with it. But my shoe is brown now, not whitish like it was before.
Memories.... I was trying to click on my blog link in my favorites folder when my finger slipped on the touchpad and I clicked on "Mr Shawn's" blog link. He is blogging again. Just reading his words made me ache for his voice in my ear again and for the illusion I had from what we talked about and had planned. I miss him. I have missed him every second of the day and night since I last talking to him when he was in Korea. But as soon as he left Korea for Germany he didn't need me anymore and dumped/ditched me as fast as he could. I think somewhere inside I knew it would happen, I just didn't want it to. He sounds the same...wanting to get laid and drinking lots of beer. I wish he missed me...still called me...still wanted me. Wanted me as his friend. I know we would never had been able to have a relationship that would have worked. I want to be married and have babies and he said over and over that he'll never get married again. I think he will but it will take an amazing woman and as much as I wish I was, I'll never be amazing.
The "Mr Shawn" theme is throughout my life. I see so much in the men I love/lust/want to be with...Swichi, ZamMan, SJ...but they just can't be the man I know is inside of them for me. But I know they will be it for some other girl. I have seen it before. I miss ZamMan too. He fills out all those lame surveys on My Space bulletins and always says he wants a girlfriend/relationship. He wants to get married and have babies. He wants EXACTLY the same as me. But he doesn't want it with me. He won't answer his phone if I call, at least he didn't the last two times I called and he didn't call me back. And he lies on his surveys. He says he hasn't had hugs and kisses in months...not true! He had them from me. I could have given him everything I am so easily and not just because I want so badly to love someone but because I could love him.
So I am alone. And I don't want to be alone. But I guess I always will be alone. L, E
Memories.... I was trying to click on my blog link in my favorites folder when my finger slipped on the touchpad and I clicked on "Mr Shawn's" blog link. He is blogging again. Just reading his words made me ache for his voice in my ear again and for the illusion I had from what we talked about and had planned. I miss him. I have missed him every second of the day and night since I last talking to him when he was in Korea. But as soon as he left Korea for Germany he didn't need me anymore and dumped/ditched me as fast as he could. I think somewhere inside I knew it would happen, I just didn't want it to. He sounds the same...wanting to get laid and drinking lots of beer. I wish he missed me...still called me...still wanted me. Wanted me as his friend. I know we would never had been able to have a relationship that would have worked. I want to be married and have babies and he said over and over that he'll never get married again. I think he will but it will take an amazing woman and as much as I wish I was, I'll never be amazing.
The "Mr Shawn" theme is throughout my life. I see so much in the men I love/lust/want to be with...Swichi, ZamMan, SJ...but they just can't be the man I know is inside of them for me. But I know they will be it for some other girl. I have seen it before. I miss ZamMan too. He fills out all those lame surveys on My Space bulletins and always says he wants a girlfriend/relationship. He wants to get married and have babies. He wants EXACTLY the same as me. But he doesn't want it with me. He won't answer his phone if I call, at least he didn't the last two times I called and he didn't call me back. And he lies on his surveys. He says he hasn't had hugs and kisses in months...not true! He had them from me. I could have given him everything I am so easily and not just because I want so badly to love someone but because I could love him.
So I am alone. And I don't want to be alone. But I guess I always will be alone. L, E
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Anyone who does that to people should be thrown in the bed. That's just wrong.
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: 1:05 PM
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