Sunday, October 08, 2006
Take a ride on the train
I spent from 6:30am to 8:30 pm with SJ yesterday. And in the end I really don't know what happened. I feel so rejected by him but I don't think that is what he is trying to do. I am just so confused. I do not understand his body language at all. Actually, there isn't really any body language to read/understand. I just don't get it, get him. I pick him up and we just seemed to start bickering right away. I don't want to do that. He didn't hug me when he got into my car and that hurt/upset me but I guess it shouldn't have. So we drove another 1.5 hours and were almost at the train station, he had be stop at the gas station store so he could get a drink (he always asks if I want something) but when he got back in he didn't put on his seatbelt and I asked him to but he said "its right here" since we were like 1 minute from the train station but I said he needed to put his seatbelt on and he again said "we're right here!" so I slammed on the brakes and he went flying forward. I'm pretty sure I scared him more that I did a total psycho move then he was scared by my driving. But he did put on his seatbelt.
We got to the train station 30 minutes before we needed to be, an hour before it left. So we walked around and he took some pictures and I played with a cute little dog. It was cold out and we both commented on it. I was shivering. PERFECT opportunity for him to hug me or put his arm around me, anything. And what did he do...nothing. We got on the train and found seats, he sat by the window and started looking out the window. The car filled up and we took off. He was so cute and excited being on the train...makde me want to cuddle with him even more. Finally after awile I did try to cuddle with him. He had his hands in the pocket of his hoodie so I put my arm through his and he held my hand in his pocket and I leaned on his shoulder. Yeah...that didn't last long. I tried a few other times to cuddle up to him and have him at least let me, and maybe even cuddle with me but I would just hold my hand a little or let me hold his arm. I felt so rejected. We talked some with the people across the seats from us (they were double seats facing each other). We got to the turn around point in the trip and had over a hour to walk around. So we did. He kept asking me what I wanted to do and I was like "sure, whatever". I wasn't trying to be difficult...I just wanted to be with him and I didn't so much care what we did. I would have been happy sitting on a bench in the sunshine. I guess I should have said that but I didn't. He saw Subway and bought us sandwiches (he had a foot long club and I have 6 inch turkey) and sodas. Then I said I'd like to sit outside and eat so we walked back to the train station and sat on a bench.
My sandwich was good, but nothing special. Oh, at this point I should say that I had brought a big backpack full of food: chips and salsa, goldfish crackers (he had shoveled those in during the first part of the train ride) and key lime bars and rice krispie treats. He bolted down his sandwich and then went to walk around and take some pictures. I just lay on the bench and enjoyed the sunshine and warmth. He came back and we got back in board. I should also mention that he said I couldn't take a nap on the train or read the history book I had brought with me. He said I needed to pay attention to the train, ride and scenery. I know did close my eyes a little during both parts of the ride but didn't doze off but I didn't get my book out of my bag. I know I could have but I felt I would be insulting him if I did and since I already felt so rejected and insulted by him I didn't want to do that to him since I know how it feels.
On the ride back I tried again to cuddle with him and he did a little more...kinda. He put his arm across the back of the seat and I pulled it around my shoulders and held his hand. He took some pictures of me, joking ones that didn't really get my whole face or were really close up. That didn't last too long though. Then I tried to hug him, putting my arms around him. I asked him if it was okay and he said "yeah sure ok". I said "I want you to want me to hug you" and he said "I want you to answer a question with a direct answer" so I said "ok, I will". But the he just asked me questions about what exit we took from the highway to get to the train station and to get to his house....
By the end of the train ride I felt totally rejected and I was just sitting in my seat. He had his arm across the back again but I sat forward so he wouldn't be touching me accidently as the train rolled. I just didn't know what to do. The train pulled into the station and we got off it, then I took off to the bathroom right away, I had to go! I found him waiting right outside when I cam out and he went right to my jeep and took off. I had asked him if we could have a picture of us, together, taken at the station and he said ok but I guess he forgot. I drove again and he had me pull into the nearest gas station so he could use the bathroom...he was in there 10 minutes.
We got back on the interstate and he started bitching again about drivers not having their lights on in the dark or using their blinkers when they change lanes. He raised his voice at me again when I didn't use my blinker. I felt like he was yelling at me but I don't think he really ment to so I'll say "raised his voice". Finally I pulled into a parking stop and let him drive since I thought that might shut him up. Nope, not at all. Then he started complaining about my jeep...how loud it is and how hard to steer and things. I felt like everything he was saying was a personal attack on me. I know I shouldn't have because I don't think he ment them to be but I felt so rejected and alone. So I just closed my eyes and pretended to sleep, dozing off a little. After awile I looked over at the speed gauge and he was doing over 85mph. He got off at his exit and was driving crazy fast down the bumpy, curving road and it scared me! I threw up my hands over my face 3 times before I told him to slow down and he said "Why?", I said "you are scaring the shit out of me!!" [It is very hard to scare me in a car since I have done more stupid, fast driving things in all of my cars, usually faster and stupider] He didn't slow down.
He pulled up in front of his house and didn't turn off the car and jumped right out. I instantly understand he wasn't going to invite me in like he had said he would since I haven't seen his apartment yet. I felt so sad and sick and like I had been kicked in the heart/emotions. He could see I didn't feel good. He hugged me but as usual it was emotional-less and lasted about 1 second. Then he went inside so I drove off and went to pick up Laurey from my parents house and went home. I cried as soon as I pulled away from the side of the road, in front of his house.
Laurey and I got home to no messages on my machine, no emails, no nothing...just a stinky house from the mice. I watched some tv and went to bed. Its Sunday around 1:20pm. I have cleaned the kitchen, Superman's tank (my fish) and the mouse cage, counting the mice over and over to make sure I didn't throw away any babies. The mouse babies are so cute, all active and running around the cage. I found a pet store that will take them and the daddy next week. Lola is definately going to pop with more babies any day!
SJ invited me to go see the new Warren Miller movie with him in November. Before he left he said we'd "get together" before then, since its over a month away. I don't know what to do. Are we dating? Does he even like me? Why won't he take my hand or put his arms around me? Why won't he kiss me? I know I shouldn't feel so totally rejected and kicked down by him. But he did shrug me off his shoulder and arm on the train. I just don't know what to do. I can't keep on feeling like this. I become a bitch and mean and that is not at all who I want to be when I'm with him. I like him, I really do, and I think we could have a future together...but I don't see how we can get there with how things are right now.
I have today and tomorrow off from school and work. I should get ahead on my homework and studying and reading. I have started cleaning my house and thats a good start. Laurey is having a nap on the floor and I think I'll go and lie next to her and pet her chubby stummy and kiss her nose and sleep too. L, E
We got to the train station 30 minutes before we needed to be, an hour before it left. So we walked around and he took some pictures and I played with a cute little dog. It was cold out and we both commented on it. I was shivering. PERFECT opportunity for him to hug me or put his arm around me, anything. And what did he do...nothing. We got on the train and found seats, he sat by the window and started looking out the window. The car filled up and we took off. He was so cute and excited being on the train...makde me want to cuddle with him even more. Finally after awile I did try to cuddle with him. He had his hands in the pocket of his hoodie so I put my arm through his and he held my hand in his pocket and I leaned on his shoulder. Yeah...that didn't last long. I tried a few other times to cuddle up to him and have him at least let me, and maybe even cuddle with me but I would just hold my hand a little or let me hold his arm. I felt so rejected. We talked some with the people across the seats from us (they were double seats facing each other). We got to the turn around point in the trip and had over a hour to walk around. So we did. He kept asking me what I wanted to do and I was like "sure, whatever". I wasn't trying to be difficult...I just wanted to be with him and I didn't so much care what we did. I would have been happy sitting on a bench in the sunshine. I guess I should have said that but I didn't. He saw Subway and bought us sandwiches (he had a foot long club and I have 6 inch turkey) and sodas. Then I said I'd like to sit outside and eat so we walked back to the train station and sat on a bench.
My sandwich was good, but nothing special. Oh, at this point I should say that I had brought a big backpack full of food: chips and salsa, goldfish crackers (he had shoveled those in during the first part of the train ride) and key lime bars and rice krispie treats. He bolted down his sandwich and then went to walk around and take some pictures. I just lay on the bench and enjoyed the sunshine and warmth. He came back and we got back in board. I should also mention that he said I couldn't take a nap on the train or read the history book I had brought with me. He said I needed to pay attention to the train, ride and scenery. I know did close my eyes a little during both parts of the ride but didn't doze off but I didn't get my book out of my bag. I know I could have but I felt I would be insulting him if I did and since I already felt so rejected and insulted by him I didn't want to do that to him since I know how it feels.
On the ride back I tried again to cuddle with him and he did a little more...kinda. He put his arm across the back of the seat and I pulled it around my shoulders and held his hand. He took some pictures of me, joking ones that didn't really get my whole face or were really close up. That didn't last too long though. Then I tried to hug him, putting my arms around him. I asked him if it was okay and he said "yeah sure ok". I said "I want you to want me to hug you" and he said "I want you to answer a question with a direct answer" so I said "ok, I will". But the he just asked me questions about what exit we took from the highway to get to the train station and to get to his house....
By the end of the train ride I felt totally rejected and I was just sitting in my seat. He had his arm across the back again but I sat forward so he wouldn't be touching me accidently as the train rolled. I just didn't know what to do. The train pulled into the station and we got off it, then I took off to the bathroom right away, I had to go! I found him waiting right outside when I cam out and he went right to my jeep and took off. I had asked him if we could have a picture of us, together, taken at the station and he said ok but I guess he forgot. I drove again and he had me pull into the nearest gas station so he could use the bathroom...he was in there 10 minutes.
We got back on the interstate and he started bitching again about drivers not having their lights on in the dark or using their blinkers when they change lanes. He raised his voice at me again when I didn't use my blinker. I felt like he was yelling at me but I don't think he really ment to so I'll say "raised his voice". Finally I pulled into a parking stop and let him drive since I thought that might shut him up. Nope, not at all. Then he started complaining about my jeep...how loud it is and how hard to steer and things. I felt like everything he was saying was a personal attack on me. I know I shouldn't have because I don't think he ment them to be but I felt so rejected and alone. So I just closed my eyes and pretended to sleep, dozing off a little. After awile I looked over at the speed gauge and he was doing over 85mph. He got off at his exit and was driving crazy fast down the bumpy, curving road and it scared me! I threw up my hands over my face 3 times before I told him to slow down and he said "Why?", I said "you are scaring the shit out of me!!" [It is very hard to scare me in a car since I have done more stupid, fast driving things in all of my cars, usually faster and stupider] He didn't slow down.
He pulled up in front of his house and didn't turn off the car and jumped right out. I instantly understand he wasn't going to invite me in like he had said he would since I haven't seen his apartment yet. I felt so sad and sick and like I had been kicked in the heart/emotions. He could see I didn't feel good. He hugged me but as usual it was emotional-less and lasted about 1 second. Then he went inside so I drove off and went to pick up Laurey from my parents house and went home. I cried as soon as I pulled away from the side of the road, in front of his house.
Laurey and I got home to no messages on my machine, no emails, no nothing...just a stinky house from the mice. I watched some tv and went to bed. Its Sunday around 1:20pm. I have cleaned the kitchen, Superman's tank (my fish) and the mouse cage, counting the mice over and over to make sure I didn't throw away any babies. The mouse babies are so cute, all active and running around the cage. I found a pet store that will take them and the daddy next week. Lola is definately going to pop with more babies any day!
SJ invited me to go see the new Warren Miller movie with him in November. Before he left he said we'd "get together" before then, since its over a month away. I don't know what to do. Are we dating? Does he even like me? Why won't he take my hand or put his arms around me? Why won't he kiss me? I know I shouldn't feel so totally rejected and kicked down by him. But he did shrug me off his shoulder and arm on the train. I just don't know what to do. I can't keep on feeling like this. I become a bitch and mean and that is not at all who I want to be when I'm with him. I like him, I really do, and I think we could have a future together...but I don't see how we can get there with how things are right now.
I have today and tomorrow off from school and work. I should get ahead on my homework and studying and reading. I have started cleaning my house and thats a good start. Laurey is having a nap on the floor and I think I'll go and lie next to her and pet her chubby stummy and kiss her nose and sleep too. L, E
Comments:
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I like reading what the hat guy had to say. It is always enlightening to get the opposite sex's opinions and insights on the matters of romance.
At the same time tho, I was a little disturbed by the fact that he drove your Jeep so recklessly and without concern for your obvious anxiety. Makes me wonder if this guy would ever give you the respect you deserve.
I say, keep looking....there's better ones out there.
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At the same time tho, I was a little disturbed by the fact that he drove your Jeep so recklessly and without concern for your obvious anxiety. Makes me wonder if this guy would ever give you the respect you deserve.
I say, keep looking....there's better ones out there.
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